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UConn Students Yearn For a Time When They Weren’t ‘Totally Fucked’

With the semester coming to a close, it’s common for people to look back at the semester in review. Even more common is for people to look back and realize that they are, indeed, fucked. One group studying together for their CHEM 1127 exam came to this conclusion themselves just last night.

“I don’t understand how it got this bad,” pondered chem major Roger Miller. “Just two weeks ago I was flying high on Thanksgiving break and now I’ve got this big ol’ fucking handed to me by all my teachers. They said they were my friends.”

“I remember back when I was a kid and my mom would make me pancakes and I would sit all day watching Cartoon Network,”  added sophomore Rachel Wright. “I wish that younger version of me would have just realized how unfucked she was.

“Those really were the good o’l days,” she concluded, fucked.

One member, political science major Chaz Spiegelman, added his own views to the fuck pot. “Remember back when things were less fucky? I use to be able to go out and talk to people on one of the buses or in the dining hall, and none of us would be fucked. What happened to change that?”

The fourth member of the study group, known jokester Abby Cohen, asked if anybody in the group had a time machine so she could go back in time and prevent herself from getting fucked in the first place. After a hearty laugh, other members realized she was not joking. “I just don’t see any other way,” explained Cohen, 21/fucked, to her peers. “We’re fucked until we go back and stop ourselves from getting to this point.”

After a long silence, Wright added “Oh! Remember high school? We weren’t fucked then either.” The group all agreed and continued to look back on all other points in time where they weren’t as fucked as they are now, four more UConn students added to the list of people living with being fucked.

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