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Top 5 Ways to Position Yourself When UConn F***s You

The relationship between your average student and UConn can be tough to say the least. We may hold hands with UConn in public, or share a heartfelt conversation over some mac n cheese at the U, but what is most important is what happens behind closed doors. We all know what UConn is capable of, and we know that when it’s in the right  mood, it can fuck us (over) pretty intensely. Here are the most seductive moves that UConn uses to fuck us like Anastasia Steele.

Position #1: The Blended Missionary
A crowd favorite, the student is on their back as UConn kisses their ear, all the while promising that the new blended burgers are a fantastic alternative to a real burger. The Blended Missionary is a “flavorless” and “rubbery” position that, when completed, gives you that “why do I keep giving these burgers a fucking chance?” feeling that leave students feeling dissatisfied and used. Overall, it’s a move that you’ll be glad UConn has in its sexual repertoire.

Position #2: The Handbrakejob
This position sees the student sprawled out in their dorm halls, ignorant to the fact that Parking Services is waiting outside for that thirtieth minute to pass so they can slide a provocative thirty dollar fine on your windshield. This position works best when a whole student lot participates, or with tireless Hondas.

Position #3: The Stairway to Sexin’
Also referred to as the Self-Interested Sixty-Nine, The Stairway to Sexin’ is an intermediate position that involves our lord and bonus taker, Susan Herbst. In this position, Susan rides a naked student down the million dollar, totally necessary staircase in MSB as a display of arousing “asscrobatics.”

Position #4: Reverse Online Course-girl
Perhaps the sexiest  of the positions on the list, the Reverse Online Course-girl sees you on top of UConn facing away from them as you fill out yet another mandatory bullshit awareness course that you already did a year ago. The position takes no less than two hours to complete, and when you’re finished, you are rewarded with the privilege of being able to enter into even more classes at your favorite university. 

Position #5: Another fucking fee!
This one’ll fuck up your financial situation for life. Start by setting the mood. Then, while on your hands and knees, write a check for another $150 late fee because you didn’t have enough money to pay for the unexplained two grand that UConn says is for “condoms” and “date night.” After the check’s written, simply hand it over to UConn and wait about twenty years to realize that you have just been plowed better than anyone ever has been. 

From Parking Services to late fees, UConn has pretty much made every student its bitch; a little plaything that it only calls after Nickel for the occasional late night hook up that we always come back for, for the sake of a degree we’ll probably never use. 

WATCH: Here’s a real shocker: old rich white guys’ don’t care about women’s health.


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