The 5 Assholes You’ll Inevitably Run Into At Your Hometown Big Y

author-pic at University of Connecticut  

With finals week soon upon us, it’s hard to think about anything back home besides the warm comfort of our childhood beds. But we can all agree that there is nothing worse than casually strolling through Big Y only to come face to face with our high school math teacher. The following people are some that we can look forward to seeing in just a few weeks…

5.) The guy who thinks he’s reached a superior level of finesse:

smh

If you aren’t positive who this guy is, he can easily be identified through his cancerous Twitter feed. He believes his level of finesse is far higher than the average UConn frat guy and therefore thinks he can land all the “bitches.” In reality, he’s only visited UConn once and he got so drunk and belligerent that Huskies banned him for life. And despite all of this, he somehow still believes that he can find a girl to sit on his face. Smh bro, we’re all avoiding you like the plague.

4.) The group of girls that is soooooo excited to get the squad back together:
Listen up hoes; believe it or not, almost everyone has friends they miss from home. Isn’t that crazy? We can’t believe you’re lucky enough to have six white girls to come home to and cry about Derek from Alpha Tau Loubega and how he’s always texting Angela, Pamela, Sandra, AND Rita. Can you be sure that all seven  members of your squad post the same exact photo of you guys “getting lit with the homies”? Our Instagram feeds haven’t been the same without it.

3.) The Tinder townie who won’t leave you alone:

smh3

This person makes you not want to go home out of fear of having to file for a restraining order. Whoever it is probably goes to Eastern and hopes that they’ll finally have a chance with a Husky. No way, dude. We can look you up on Facebook just as fast as you can name all the women on the women’s basketball team. It’s not impressive, and no one owes you anything.

2.) The ex that took up all your time so now you have two friends:  
If you wasted three years of your life on this person only to break up right before college because they were “really excited about becoming an entrepreneur” and “college just wasn’t for them,” then you understand the level of irritation this person provides. When you inevitably run into them at your local Big Y, they’ll mention anything and everything they have dug up about UConn, and ask you if you ever go to trivia night at Teds (cuz they did once and it was LIT). Funny how karma has a way of working things out.

1.) Your Parents:

smh7
This article simply wouldn’t be complete without adding the people that brought you into this flaming hell hole we call life. It’s hard for Huskies to go from eating Blaze pizza three times a week and pounding beers at Nickel, to getting yelled at to do the dishes, meeting curfew, and following them around Big Y like a child. Not to mention when you start getting asked about your major, or worse, if you’re dating anyone *chills. You’ll start to covet the silence reading day provided during finals week, and wonder how you ever survived before starting at UConn.

This next week is going to be rough, Huskies. We’re all riding the struggle bus right out of here by next Friday if all goes well (and we don’t have a stupid Wildlife & Fisheries final on Saturday AM). Let the knowledge of walking around your hometown flaunting your collegiate status give you comfort during these trying times.