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5 Easy Ways to Conquer Any Line Around UMass

If you go to UMass, you know that this school is overrun with lines. Lines pop up virtually anywhere. Hang a sign up in the middle of campus and wait five minutes to have a line of literally hundreds of people, queuing up for nothing. Mindless sheep, all of them. Here are the 5 best ways to get past these squares.

5.) Just Cut:
This is perhaps the simplest and clearest strategy ever formulated for cutting a line, which is why it starts off this list. The most down to earth, run of the mill, mind-blowing way to cut a line is to observe where the line is at its weakest (for example at the pizza station in line for Late Night at Berk) and jump in. Just like double dutch. If someone tries this on you, say at Peet’s in the ILC, it’s ok to out them to the rest of the line and proceed with any punishment that seems fair.

4.) Break a glass in your hand:
This strategy is often controversial, but is actually incredibly effective and smart. While standing at the back of the line with your dorky nerd friends, take a glass off the nearest table and hold it tightly in your fist. Then, in a counterclockwise motion, shatter the glass into thousands of shards and crunch those shards into the delicate webbing of your palm. Here’s where it gets dicey. Drag that hand across the front of your face. Easy.

3.) Start a fight with your significant other:
Some couples are okay, but most are just awful with all their soft cooing and little teasing giggles. That being said, absolutely nobody likes to hang out with a couple that’s in a fight. Use this to your advantage. Bring your boyfriend or girlfriend to Frank, and while in line for Grab n’ Go, accuse them of cheating on you with your best friend/uncle/cousin/ex-partner. The tension should be so severe that people will just slip quietly out of line ahead of you. One of you will then be able to storm to the front of the line and the other should probably leave the premises.

2.) Tie the person in front of you’s shoelaces together:
This one is a no brainer. They walk forward and trip, knocking the person in front of them over. This creates a domino effect, leaving you with pleasant walkway paved with the bodies of those you have injured. Claim your reward at the head of the line. Chicken fingers at Greenfields never tasted so good.

1.) Talk about Rick and Morty:
Adult Swim’s show, Rick and Morty is a hit. No one can argue this. The only thing that’s a bigger hit than the zany sci-fi misadventures of a genius alcoholic and his insecure grandson is people talking about how much they love Rick and Morty. If you ever want to impress someone you just met and who seems like a real cool customer, definitely tell them that you LOVE Rick and Morty. Follow this up by saying “I’m Pickle Rick!!” and they’ll be swimming in the palm of your hand. Use this information to get to the head of the line you cool intellectual, you. 

Lines at UMass, while abundant, are tolerable. We all hate waiting in lines, but they are just a part of our everyday experience. We can’t change lines, because if we did, wouldn’t we be changing a fundamental part of all of ourselves? 

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