It’s no secret that UMass Football is an absolute dumpster fire. UMass has lost three straight games to open the season; all of which were against real powerhouses in Hawaii, Coastal Carolina, and Old Dominion. The season is coming to a make-or-break point, so there’s really no other option than to assess the talent pool here at UMass in an attempt to scrounge up some quality players for this sad excuse of a football team. After watching all the game film and cutting off the sleeves of many Patriots sweatshirts, here is the list of potential talent that is found here at UMass.
5.) Guy who plays intramurals in entirely too much gear:
This is the guy who wears a headband, two shooting sleeves, and the newest basketball sneakers but can barely dribble a basketball. These are the glue guys in the Rec Center and are players who can really bring a team together. After all, what better way to bond with your teammates and make fast friends than to make fun of how ridiculously some other hardo dressed for practice?
4.) Guy that demands to have the ball in his hands but is really awful:
This is the guy who probably cost you your last intramural game in any sport. He believes is the reincarnation of Steph Curry, Adrian Peterson, and Bryce Harper combined. This confidence will lead to him will demanding to get the ball and proceed to put up brick after brick and strike out on three pitches in slow pitch softball. This type of confidence is key; you need to have a short memory and an itchy trigger finger when you’re trying to drive a collegiate football offense. He may not be ideal for UMass football, but what other options are there?
3.) The guys at the tailgate tossing the ball with their boys:
These guys are more prevalent at UMass tailgates than actual game-attending fans. They also throw more complete passes than the guys on the field. Obviously, you need to scout them carefully, as they are really hard to tell apart because they’re wearing matching throwback Georgetown Allen Iverson jerseys. There really could be some potential at the quarterback position here, just so long as the NCAA makes a good ruling on whether or not being the recipient of a beer funnel is considered improper benefits.
2.) Frat bros working the door at parties:
Sign up any one of these guys for the offensive line, because they aren’t letting anybody past them. When the line at Theta threatens to bring down the fence, these brothers will single handily make sure their ratio doesn’t get compromised. When Andrew Ford drops back to pass, these guys will protect him with their lives. Give them a job and they’ll do it to a T.
1.) Servers at Late Night:
Who said that these all had to be athletic guys? Late Night servers basically already are football players; they spend their weekends serving up a mediocre products to drunk, disorderly college students at a venue that exclusively advertises UMass Dining. If you can hand a cookie dough sundae to a teetering underclassman, you can hand a football off to a running back.
Given the state of affairs with UMass Football, a serious look at any of these five targets would be an improvement. Ideally, Coach Whipple should call them up before their game commences this Friday night.
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