5 Ways to Celebrate Patriot’s Day Like a True Minuteman

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Patriot’s Day is a holiday unique to the Bay State where Massholes can celebrate the men and women who made this country great before that was even a cool thing to say. But it’s also a day off from school…so let’s honor the heroes of our state and drink for them.

5.) Busch Light Marathon:

While thousands of people compete in the Boston Marathon today, show them what a real life Minuteman looks like by pounding 26.2 Busch Lights over the course of just a few hours. Their journey embodies an uphill battle but yours will be a true struggle—way more accurate of what the colonists faced.

4.) Dizzy Bat at 11 a.m.: 

The Red Sox play at 11 a.m. today? Fuck yeah! Head over to the Townhouse quads and play some Dizzy Bat at the same time. That’s pretty much how Pablo Sandoval ‘plays’ actual games anyway. Plus, during the Revolutionary War, bitches were passed out drunk every day  by 11 a.m, so you’re honestly slacking.

3.) The Paul Revere Challenge:

If there are two candles displayed in the bell tower of the Old Chapel, you’ll have to take action. Run from Northeast to Southwest while drinking as much Newcastle Brown Ale as you can. The more you drink, the more Minutemen you save from the impending British invasion.

2.) The Rubinoff Massacre: 

Those damn Red Coats cut down innocent Bostonians for throwing snowballs. So honor them by taking shots of Rubinoff through an ice luge. Set it up on a nice slope of Orchard Hill and guzzle that shit to really stick it to those petty colonizers. You’re not doing it right if you don’t throw up.

1.) Butt Chug Sam Adams: 

Nothing screams, “I’m a Patriot” more than this. For brownie points, perform the act by the Minuteman statue near the campus pond. Sure it might hurt, it may even feel uncomfortable, but so was winning independence. And Sam Adams never complained.

Happy holidays UMass. Celebrate yourself and the Minutemen of the past, just make you do so with at least one forty in each hand. 

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