After purchasing Mount Ida College, the campus was abuzz discussing how the university is taking on millions of dollars in debt to buy what’ll turn out to be just a couple fancy dorm rooms. The UMass system was in desperate need of a Boston campus, and Mount Ida is conveniently located 10 miles from the city. With no ‘T’ stops nearby, it really was a genius move on Subbaswamy’s part. To keep the ball rolling, we’ve compiled a list of the six colleges UMass Amherst should buy next:
6.) Amherst College:
Okay, this one’s easy. UMass students have been asking for more parking forever, and if we’re already in the business of buying out entire colleges for stupid reasons, why not buy Amherst College? Kick all the students out and pave it all over for us and the cars we bought with t our parents hard earned money.
5.) University of Notre Dame:
If we’re talking about buying schools to “improve the UMass experience”, having a football team that can actually catch some dubs for once would really be a plus. It would boost student morale and maybe, we’d stay after the tailgates to watch the games instead of just stumbling back to Berk. In fact, the money we’d bring in from the team would be more than enough to pay for the buyout, so it’s a win-win for everyone. Subbs, You hearing this?
4.) Hampshire College:
We know what you’re thinking: why would we want more anime freaks and burned out hipsters, isn’t that what we have Northeast for? But hear us out, if we buy Hampshire College, that means we can send all the weirdos from Northeast there and go about business as usual. Might not work, but hey, it’s an idea.
3.) Boston College:
If we’re gonna spend millions of dollars on a Boston campus, could we at least buy a college that’s actually nearish Boston? Like seriously, is that asking too much? Besides, those good Catholic schoolboys and girls at BC could use a little UMass flavor (and by that we mean watermelon Rubi) to brighten up their sad, pathetic lives. What do BC kids do on weekends anyway? Pray?
Hey, shooters shoot, and if we’re gonna be buying out other schools might as well aim for the best. It’s definitely going to be expensive, but we’re sure Subbaswamy would be fine paying for it. This school seems to always have enough money when it comes to everything but financial aid.
1.) UMass Dartmouth:
Cuz why not just force the Mount Ida kids to move again?
All in all, the Mount Ida deal looks like it’ll be good for UMass kids; nice campus, questionably close to Boston… yeah that’s pretty much it. But still, it’s nice to know that Subbaswamy will do anything for his students, even if that thing is paying millions for something none of us needed in the first place.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
Auburn — $100 bounty!
Penn State — $100 bounty!
Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired!
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