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6 of the Most Fucked Up Things to Ever Happen at UMass

UMass Amherst has a reputation for being somewhat of a “party school,”  but exactly what constitutes a “party school” is up for debate. Some say that it is a school where a lot of “parties” happen, or a school where cars are frequently set ablaze and students run rampant through the streets shouting and banging pots and pans, resisting all suppression by a militaristic dean of students. However, it goes without saying that some fucked up shit has definitely happened at UMass, and here are just a few things.

6.) Tuition Costs $36 (1867):

The first class of students, numbering a mere 34 kids, paid only $36 to attend the Massachusetts Agricultural College. Imagine that, only 36 bucks and you get a full year of college education. That’s like the price of a day pass to Canobie Lake Park. That’s like how much it costs to buy a really nice pair of jeans. That’s like how much it cost to take your PSATs. Damn, that is so fucked up.

5.) Football Team Becomes Division I (2012): 

Things were going so well in the FCS and the safety of Division IA. A National Championship, a history of winning. Why go and fuck it all up? Money? Status? The result has been a whopping 9-47 record and an adorning fan-base.

4.) World Series Riots (2013):

Only minutes after the Boston Red Sox won the World Series, Southwest pretty much just blew up. But what can you expect when you set up a massive projection of the game on a tarp next to Berk? The revelry was interrupted by the routine ignorance of the UMass Police, who were rumored to be all Cardinals fans—and then resorted to firing rubber pellets and spraying tear gas everywhere.

3.) Blarney Blowout (2014)

Blarney Blowout maybe blew out a little too much in 2014, resulting in riot gear clad police dragging away and arresting 70 students. The police also utilized tear gas to subdue students after they were pelted with snowballs and beer cans. The party now resumes every year with Mullins Live!…lame.

2.) College Pizza Chef Cooks Naked (2016):

An article published February 10th in the Daily Collegian finally brought to light the shocking rumors that had been dogging Fearing Street’s College Pizza since their founding many centuries ago. Indeed, that weird scratch in the back of your throat after eating a sandwich from College Pizza may very well have been a pubic hair. And when the chef wasn’t fondling himself while preparing the food, he was smoking weed and messing around with sex toys.

1.) Worcester Dinning Hall’s Hot Chocolate, Tepid (Present):

Much to the chagrin of junior Arthur Bennett, just returning from the Ski & Board club’s trip to Quebec City, the hot chocolate in Worcester Dining Commons was merely lukewarm and not piping hot as advertised. He reported this issue to a woman named Sara, who was working the paella bar at the time, who said she would get right on it. It’s unclear if this complaint was ever followed up by Worcester staff.

Perhaps the Princeton Review can clarify on our “party school” status. But, what is safe to say, however, is that some pretty crazy shit has happened here. 

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