UMass is known for having an exceedingly odd campus. The buildings seem to have shot up out of nowhere, and each is designed as though the architect had just attended Foam N’ Glow. Some parts of campus are even downright gross. It goes without saying that the worst parts of campus require ranking, so here it goes:
7.) The Rec Center:
Despite being one of the newer and prettier buildings, the campus Rec Center deserves a spot on this list. Just walking through the front doors one can taste the sweat, self hatred, and despair. Much like Congress, the Rec Center is pretty from afar, but a stinking hive of sadness and questionable morality inside.
6.) Lederle Basement:
Unlike the library, which sits magnificently in the center of campus, Lederle Graduate Research Tower is a place of terror and confusion. Around every corner one spies atrocities; snakes slithering through holes in the walls, and mice eating birds and cockroaches, and who could forget the graduate students just waiting to tear you limb from limb should you wander too far astray from their path.
5.) Haigis Mall Bus Stop:
When imagining a bus stop, what do you picture? A place where one can lay their weary head, and dry their tears? A place for the soul to rest, and mend their sorrows? While these may be the standards elsewhere, they certainly do not apply at the Haigis Mall Bus Stop. This place is strewn with graffiti, the word “dick fart” written at least six times, and more accompanying obscene imagery. Sit down on the bench here and leave with tar coating the back of your pants! If you should find yourself there past 11 a.m., turn and run for safety in the nearest building.
4.) Kennedy Tower, Southwest:
Few places know the hallowed history of UMass better than our very own Kennedy Tower. Located in Southwest residential area, Kennedy is known for being home to the litany of freshmen who go so much harder than you do, home to the most future frat bros and women in Isenberg, who decorate its walls with vomit every weekend. God bless America.
3.) DuBois 22nd Floor:
Many of you may know that the 23rd floor of DuBois is home to the most magnificent view of campus. It’s just so goddamn beautiful. Like, seriously beautiful. Poets have composed epics just describing the impressiveness of the view that this floor yields. This is in stark contrast to its neighbor, the 22nd Floor, which is gross because of the fermented smell of disregard and that one old man who’s always there fomenting in the heat of the intense 22nd story sun.
2.) Parking Garage:
What idyllic New England college would be complete without a hulking fortress of a parking garage in the middle of its campus? The parking garage, while providing a vital service to visiting families lodging in the equally ugly Hotel UMass, is an eyesore like no other. Concrete reeking of gasoline, cigarettes, and discarded urine fortify the turreted walls and strange square nooks only furthering the impression that this is not a parking garage, but some sort of slaughterhouse.
1.) Sylvan Residential Area:
The only thing that can be said for certain about the campus’ most appalling structure is that everyone and everything that inhabits it, from the tiniest mouse to the largest rat, is simply disgusting. Every bathroom is strewn with vomitous slime, and the residents seldom bathe; it’s just too far of a walk to class to fit hygiene into their schedule.
Don’t tread lightly on your feet anymore, dear reader, when setting off to the Rec Center to work out, or when smoking atop the parking garage. Even being seen in any of the named locations will earn you the title of scrub. Or worse, super scrub. Also, stay away from the Honors College, that place fucking sucks.
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