7 People You Don’t Want to See Together in Amherst on Your Snap Map at 3 a.m.

author-pic at University of Massachusetts  

Snap Maps let you see all of your friends in their real time locations in a totally non-creepy way. They’re also great for live streaming all the parties your friends are at that you weren’t invited to. While there’s clearly a lot of good that can come from Snap Maps, there’s the opportunity for things to go wrong. Sometimes, you’re gonna see some shit you didn’t want to see. Here are seven people you don’t want to see together on snap maps at 3 a.m. at UMass:

7.) Your school friends and your camp friends at a house party on Fearing:
You simply can’t have this. There have been too many exaggerations of how great you are at each place to the opposite group of people. If they start comparing notes, you’re in big fucking trouble. Don’t even get us started on what would happen if your Canadian girlfriend from middle school were to show up too.

6.) The Didgeridude and your girl at his native aboriginal dwelling:
At this point in the evening, your girl may have had a few drinks, and the didgeridude may have probably had like 10 beers poured through his didgeridoo. It’ll be a hard ask for you to shake the image of the didgeridude giving her an up-close look at his music stick, and then later maybe showing her his didgeridoo.

5.) Subbaswammy and your drug dealer at the top floor of Dubois:
Seeing our fearless leader 26 floors in the air with your drug dealer and a bowl would certainly be an interesting sight. If Swammy gets any more enlightened though he may solve world hunger, win his Nobel Prize, and disappear back over whatever magical rainbow he came from.

4.) The Deans of the CHC and Isenberg at the Isenberg extension:
This. Cannot. Occur. The two most pretentious and awful groups of people on campus can never collab. They’re probably thinking of ways to add cross-fit centers to their buildings, along with some vegan dining options. Pretty fitting that they would call a building that progresses from being flat to fully erect when you look at it “The Hub.”

3.) Victor Cruz, Tajae Sharpe and Coach Whipple at McGuirk:
This would be more sad than anything. It’s like seeing all of your exes coming together. With luck, they would be negotiating some kind of 5th year shit for each of them to play for the rest of the season. God knows the team needs it.

2.) Sam the Minuteman and that kid who always plays his guitar poorly down your hallway at the Dubois recording studio:
UMass is not ready for any more fire. The current UMass chant is almost too good The only times the world of music has come out with something that has topped the “Go UMass” chant is “Closer” by the Chainsmokers. The world wouldn’t be able to handle whatever Sam and his partner cook up.

1.) Evander Holyfield with the brothers from Phi Sig:
WATCH OUT EVANDER!! My god, this man has a family for Christ’s sake. We hope Evander is fast because he will need to get the hell out of there before he loses whatever he has left in the ear department.

If any of these combinations of people happens to go down on your Snap Map, try not to panic. Just accept defeat, switch to ghost mode, and lay down in the fetal position.

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