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9 UMass Resources Literally No One Uses Because They’re Stupid

Since it’s inception, UMass has developed a number of unpopular resources to aid those worthy patrons it admits. These happen to be some of the many that have gone criminally underused, but it’s probably because they’re fucking stupid, so.

9.) Sidewalks:
In keeping with tradition, UMass students tend to swerve the paved sidewalks so graciously designed by the school to assist them in getting to and from class. This has greatly peaked the interest of the sociology department, who have found that students walking on the grass instead of the sidewalk is just a way of saying, “fuck UMass.”

8.) Rubber bands:
Seriously no one at this school uses rubber bands. There are literally millions of them stashed in boxes in Central but no one has even thought about it. Morons, everyone is a moron. But also, who really needs rubber bands these days?

7.) Free condoms:
The University of Massachusetts makes one thing above all others clear: condoms are free and easy to access. Practically any building you go to will have a bowl of free condoms to offer, even for some reason the Life Science Labs gives out condoms? It’s kind of a waste as students don’t use them.

6.) The Writing Center:
Take a history class once and listen forever to your professor as she compliments the Writing Center. Where even is the Writing Center? It sounds helpful but like, do you have to make an appointment? Where is it again? These are questions we all would love to have answered. 

5.) Subbaswamy:
It’s a little known fact that dictated in the Amherst bylaws, if any person regardless of race, age, or sex, requires immediate aid from the UMass Chancellor, he cannot turn them down. We’re pretty sure that’s how that goes, right?. Be it math homework or a messy break-up, students just don’t rely on Subbaswamy like they used to, or like they should.

4.) Lines:
The proliferation of lines on this campus seems to suggest they may (in a subtle way) be a resource. They are meant to keep people all organized, but it doesn’t seem to do enough. Just look at Blue Wall on any Wednesday afternoon. Pure fucking chaos. Kids are cutting them, ignoring them and overall stomping all over the lines. It’s a goddamn travesty.

3.) Cellzones:
Cellzones are great! They are phenomenal! Nobody ever uses them! Some girl picked up her phone in the middle of the 9th floor the other day and started chatting like there was no tomorrow! Not in a cellzone but right in the middle of the library. Follow the rules! Have some decency!

2.) Career Services:
Unless you’re a second semester senior or a particularly anxious sophomore, you probably don’t think about career services a lot. That’s all well and good, but they’re seriously helpful for your career. Work on your resume with them and other things like resume building when you’re there. People don’t do that enough, you know?

1.) Brains:
UMass has invested a lot of time, energy, and money in all it’s students and the success of their brains. Sadly, brains are a widely underused resource so kindly offered by a university which truly cares about its students. UMatter, Ur Brain Umatters, UMass.

What other campus resources go underutilized by the fascist bourgeois students who so recklessly destroy school property every weekend in their drunken rages? Probably a lot, but that’s a list for another day.

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