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Alarming Number of UMass Students Still Unable to Operate Spire

A shocking new report showed that the majority of students on campus are unable to operate Spire, a website that UMass relies on for everything from housing, to classes, to storing your social security number for “safe keeping”.

“Spire is wild, bro. I keep getting put in Sylvan because I have no idea how this shit works,” said junior computer science major, Mike Dunn. “There are so many of these fucking drop-down menus that make absolutely no sense, I have no idea where they go.”

Many other students reported having struggled to get the housing they wanted due to the inability to operate this platform. Another student reported that he had been living out of the Holiday Inn on Route 9 because he couldn’t find the place that said what dorm he was in.

“It’s been crazy two years,” said senior Peter Billings. “I wish I could have lived in Southwest.”

Though housing was a significant discussion point amongst students who had been interviewed, many others noted that they had had a number of issues with classes that were Spire related.

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“I came into college with the intent of being a biology major, and being pre-med,” said senior Hannah Davis. “I wasn’t able to access my Spire after my second semester here, and next thing you I’m a German literature major.”

One byproduct of this phenomenon has been a shadow-economy consisting of a number of students either paying others to operate their Spire for them, or even hiring nerds to teach them how to be self-sufficient and work the website on their own.

“It’s like that old saying: give a man a fish and he eats for a day,” said junior Patricia Fitzpatrick, who claimed to have paid her friend to use her Spire since she came to campus. “But teach a man to fish and now he’s spending all day trying to catch a fish. Also, eating fish exposes people to an alarming amount of mercury. I’m a vegan.”

“I’m gonna get my graduate degree here too, to give myself the opportunity to keep making money off of this,” one recent graduate claimed. “I’ve made 6 figures doing this over the last four years, I’m not about to give it up.”

What actually happens on Spire will forever remain a mystery to many. But one thing is certain: if you can operate the site, then count your blessings.

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