Isenberg is the worst. Like, the one kid who doesn’t text back in group chat when you’re trying to make plans worst. Sometimes they’re low key terrible, like when they spill beer on your carpet. Other times they’re high-key terrible, like when they steal your Ucard and spend all your Dining Dollars on Argo Tea. It stands to reason that there are a lot of awful people at this school, but none more abhorrent than those in the Isenberg School of Business.
Many students know about Isenberg. Some of the said students applied to UMass with the intention of switching in, or maybe their cousin was enrolled as a marketing major and landed a sick job at an internet start up. But these loose connections don’t allow for the majority of the apple cheeked public to know the truth about those young entrepreneurs in their ivory tower. That truth is that they’re all scum hiding behind the curtain of superiority. Isenberg students are more likely than any reasonable student to stand up in the middle of a crowded ILC lecture hall and shout, “I don’t have time for you to go over the syllabus, I’m in Isenberg!” This is usually followed by an incoherent string of swears and screeches that can only be deciphered by the most Isenbergy of the Isenberg.
They’re most likely to wear heavy gold watches, swear at Berk employees, and cut in line at Frank Grab n’ Go under the guise of importance. They’re so terrible, in fact, that this article is being written exclusively to tell everyone how terrible they are. What other groups of UMass enrollees can claim that? Checkmate.
What’s the connection here, you might ask? Does being in Isenberg endow students with such an intense feeling of entitlement that they must be the only person in class using their laptop to watch Tasty after Tasty video, inevitably distracting those around them? Is there a correlation between the amount of students in Isenberg who throw rocks at three-legged dogs and those who don’t? Is part of their rigorous application process a morality test in which you must score a negative rating for admittance?
Who knows? Perhaps the cold hearted world of business administration is to blame for the nefarious actions of those in Isenberg. Perhaps the Isenberg required Freshman Seminar entitled, “It’s just good Business – Screwing over those you love,” is at fault. Maybe Isenberg is just a big school for dicks, and that’s the only reason. Whatever it may be, one thing is for certain: Isenberg kids can go straight to hell.
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