As finals season quickly approaches, it’s time for UMass Amherst students to show the world what they do best: struggle really hard for three months and then do just enough to get by during the most important week of the semester. Here’s a list of things you should and should NOT be doing in the midst of next week’s woes.
DO Eat the Crunchiest Apple Possible During Your Exam:
Go to Hamp right before your test, find a juicy apple, and bite into it right in the middle of a silent Boyden. The echo throughout the gym will surely be appreciated by your fellow test takers as a welcome distraction.
DON’T Drink Too Much UMass Coffee:
Drinking too much shitty Peet’s coffee could make things pretty shitty for you… literally. Your professor will not sympathize with you if you have to take a dump in the middle of a final.
DO Use All Those Absences You Didn’t Get a Chance to Use:
Teachers encourage you to miss class by giving you a number of excused absences. Use them the week leading up to finals to cry about your upcoming tests in the South Court of Blue Wall.
DON’T Set an Alarm the Night Before Your Exam:
If you don’t show up to the exam you can’t fail by taking it. Two things can happen here: you either get an ‘F,’ but save yourself the trouble of taking it, or you get an extra day to study because you lied to your professor by saying you got in a car accident on Mass. Ave.
DO Bring Your Barking-Prone Service Dog:
Everybody loves dogs. Especially when they’re barking hysterically for no reason in the middle of a major exam. Make sure to give it lots of water, too. That way you can keep getting up to take it to the bathroom, giving you a chance to read over your notes before heading back in.
DON’T Worry About Failing:
That ol’ saying has never been truer: “Cs get degrees!” Don’t stress about getting an F. A 60 on a test in college means nothing to your future boss.
DO Try a New, Intense Exercise Routine:
Take a steep jog up Orchard Hill the day before a test. You’ll wake up the next day feeling exhausted and defeated before your final has a chance to make you feel that way.
DON’T Study in Increments:
It’s typically best to wait until the day before your test to study. This way, you can cram an entire semester’s worth of material into your brain without missing a single beat. It’ll all be scrambled up in your mind fresh from the night before.
DO Pay Someone Smarter Than You to Take the Test:
Let’s be honest, you’re probably not going to pass it. Put aside your ego for a minute and pull out your wallet. Northeast has good applicants.
DON’T Pass Your Finals:
Isn’t the point of finals to do well? Wrong. The point is to do as poorly as possible so you can be forced to repeat your credits and spend more time here in Amherst. Doesn’t everybody want to spend the rest of their lives investing thousands of dollars into themselves?
Next week is going to suck, like, a lot. But just think, as soon as it’s over you’ll be sitting on home on the couch with four empty pizza boxes stacked on your lap. Dreams really can come true.