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A Drunk Review of All Things UMass


UMass Amherst is considered to be one of the top research institutions in the country. It is also considered to be the top party school in the area. It’s only fair that our population of often drunk students be given an opportunity to share their voice with the university. One of our writers got really hammered and graded UMass Amherst as best as he could.



Amount of Time Spent Yelling about Your Internet Not Working: Every. Single. Fucking. Day. It just never works the way it’s supposed to or when you need it to.

Year After Death: 2016. Come on. The internet should work every minute of every day at this point. Honestly, our brains should just connect to it directly.

Chance of Not Handing in an Online Assignment That’s Due at Midnight: 100%. Your professor probably will have trouble receiving it anyways.

Rating: Z. Zero. A fat, smelly goose egg.

Hampshire Dining Hall:


Length of Line On Halloween: 13 miles or about a 3 hour walk.

Quality of Ingredients: A+

Number of Students Who Know You’re High: All of them. You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think your relaxed demeanor, droopy bloodshot eyes, and skunk like odor are dead give aways. Everybody knows, but nobody cares.

Grade: B for “Best Food In America.”

W.E.B Dubois Library:


Flights of Stairs Climbed: Zero. We’re Drunk. That’s what elevators are for: to carry us vertically when we’ve been over-served.

Number of Books Checked Out: Zero. Has anyone ever actually walked out of Dubois with a book in their hand? Most people use it as a quiet place to work but…

Number of Loud Whisperers on the Quiet Floors: 1. There’s always that one kid whose soft volume voice is louder than your normal volume voice.

The Amount of Time You Spend Crying Here Before Finals: 10 minutes per study session. You’re probably can’t even study because of the yelling whisperer.

Overall Grade: D for “Don’t Bother.”

Bucci’s Hair Salon in the Campus Center:


Number of Times Repeating the Type of Haircut You Want: 3

Number Of Times You Get The Haircut You Want: 0

Quality Of Service: 6/10. The hairdressers are very nice at this place, unless you get the one that uses your full head of hair as an experiment. Just be wary.

Quality Of Haircut: 4/10. This isn’t exactly what we asked for but… Hey! Wait a minute. Are you bleeding right now?

Overall Grade: F, for you’ll probably have to go to Eliana’s Barber Shop downtown to fix this.

Baby Berk:


Most Frequently Heard Phrase in Line: “I am so drunk right now. This is going to save me.”

Number of Tots Fit into Mouth at Once: 100… at least. Maybe more.

Favorite Thing on the Menu: The Baby Berk Burg… Fuck it. Everything on the menu is so good when you’re properly inebriated.

Overall Grade: A, for “Awesome when I’m Drunk, but otherwise I feel unhealthy and sweaty.”

Hey, we’re not drunk. YOU’RE drunk!


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