Chad Kaplan, inhabitant of Kennedy Tower’s 13th floor, was ready for a night of heavy drinking and debauchery. Pike, a wholesome fraternity in the Amherst community, was hosting their annual ugly sweater party. Chad was hoping to end the semester on a positive note, since his dramatic exit during pledging had ruined his reputation with the fraternity.
“They demoralized my character and called my friends names,” said Chad. “At the time I wasn’t ready, but my weekly visits to the Rec Center have strengthened my biceps and my ego.”
Natty Light in hand, Chad warmly welcomed his friends into his dorm, tastefully decorated with photos of barely clad women. Although his relations with Pike completely severed, he was still seen as the fearless leader of his residential floor, hosting weekly pre-games in his corner room.
“He rolls his own cigs, drives a Benz, and has a fake that actually scans. What’s not to love?” explained Chad’s roommate and devoted wingman.
During the pre-game, Chad was dejected that no one complimented his Spotify playlist, featuring his favorite pump-up song: “That’s uh-oh” by John Conway. Nevertheless, his confidence returned after posting several Snap stories of the gang attempting the Mannequin Challenge.
“Gather round boys,” Chad motioned to his comrades, ready to deliver his nightlyspeech. “As you know, the weekend is a crucial time for us to interact with babes, since the daylight is reserved for FIFA and requesting Domino’s delivery.”
The boys murmured in agreement, a few audibly clapping to support Chad’s hauntingly beautiful words. Passing around a bottle of Rubinoff, the males eagerly joined Chad’s Tinder Social group, scoping out prospects for the end of the night.
After sending several playful, “DTF?” and “U up? Lol.” messages, Chad handed out the necessary ugly sweaters to his friends and insisted it was time to head to Pike.
Judging by the size of the angry mob standing outside the entrance of the fraternity, Chad knew his group’s ratio was almost as weak as his pull-out game. Unfortunately, every female he tried to approach looked at him with mild disgust and immediately turned away.
“His tacky reindeer antlers kept hitting me in the eye,” complained one sorority girl. “Not to mention he wouldn’t stop bragging about his old football highlights and asking for sips of my drink.”
When Chad and his friends managed to reach the front of the line he was immediately confronted by a brother. “Who do you know here?” demanded the menacing figure. Chad laughed effortlessly, “The question is who do I not know here?”
After being denied entry several times, Chad knew there was only one way to assert his dominance: he had to single-handedly fight every brother that guarded the entrance to Pike. In an entirely unexpected outcome, Chad was immediately tackled to the ground and escorted off the property.
“Chad Kaplan pledged with us for less than a day,” said one brother, shaking his head at the mention of Chad’s name. “We asked him to clean the house after a party, and the kid broke down in tears, blaming us for his weirdly long list of insecurities.”
Although Chad Kaplan may never be able to call the charitable fraternity “home”, he will always be accepted in 14th floor Kennedy Tower.