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How to Get Yourself Out of Another Lame Night Out in Amherst

Crowds of drunk UMass students invading the streets of Amherst isn’t for the weak or the faint of heart. Some nights, or every night out in Amherst, you just want to stay snuggled up in bed watching Netflix or masturbating to your crush’s Instagram. You’re not a complete waste of space. Whatever your reason may for being anti-social, you probably have a cast of fun-loving and way more likeable friends who always annoy you to go out with them. The classic “I’m a good Christian person” may have worked for a few weeks last semester but now you need to get creative. 

Pretend to barf after half a Twisted Tea:
Practice your best puking noises because any good party animal will be able to spot a faker. You’ll also have to worry about how much of a loser you’ll look like when holding a half-empty Twisted Tea and screaming “I think I drank too much guys.” Good thing your friends don’t have a high opinion of you anyway.

Pregame so hard you get too sleepy to even go out:
This one is for all the alcoholics who just want to drink their problems away in the safety of their room. Even if you do end up drunkenly going out, you won’t remember all the terrible decisions you’ve made. Did you ever truly leave your room if you wake up in your bed alone with no memory of the night before?

Pretend you left for the weekend:
If you plan on not leaving your room at all then you may be able to pull off the greatest trick of all time.

WARNING: This requires a lot of preparation and the level of difficulty depends on if you live on the same floor or in the same building as your friends. You’ll have to stockpile enough stolen food to survive the next few days. The truly dedicated will also have a water bottle and a bucket ready to be peed and shit in. You never know who could be watching you when you go to the bathroom. Someone could be watching WHILE you use the bathroom. It’s never safe out there.

Low-key email the RA about all the illegal activities occurring at the pre-game:
Being the narc of a friend group could get you killed in some parts of the country. Luckily, snitches only get stitches if you get caught. Just act like you’re as surprised and angry as all your “friends.” If you really don’t want to go out and feel like screwing over your friends, then it’s your only option.

Disclaimer: RAs have the full right to call you a loser via email.

Hide under your bedsheets till your friends leave the room:
No one will notice you under your dirty sheets that smell like your sweaty genitalia. No one will even go near them. The more perceptive and less drunk friends will notice a large lump that’s breathing pretty heavily on your bed, but they aren’t going to say anything. If you are being this much of a pain then they don’t give a shit where you go tonight.

Live in Sylvan:
This one’s easy. You won’t even have friends.

If you really need to be anti-social this weekend, these tips will help. But fair warning, midway through your Friday night jerk sesh you’ll probably get bored enough to hit up your friends. Plan accordingly.

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