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The Results Are In! People Living In Southwest Officially Think They’re Better Than You

The University of Massachusetts Amherst looks to stay ahead on cutting-edge research, which is why the flagship campus recently completed a long-term campus climate survey to gain a better understanding of the the opinions and feelings of its student body. As a result of the study, the administration was able to conclude with a high level of certainty that those who live in Southwest definitely think they’re better than you.

“It totally makes sense,” said sophomore Jake Peters, a resident of Central. “I have classes with kids from Southwest, and they look at me like I’m second-class. People from Southwest can spot other people from Southwest, and they know when they see an outsider.”

Most students interviewed from Central and Orchard Hill shared this sentiment. “I feel like they’ve just decided we’re just a bunch of nature-loving hippies out here,” said junior Samantha Stoddard, echoing previous responses. “Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people like that here, but there are also plenty of us who are fun-loving humans just trying to study toward our degree one bong rip at a time.”

Many non-Southwest students noted that they felt like outsiders at the popular dining halls Hamp and Berk, where their mere presence drew a number of cautious looks from Southwest residents. (A request to interview students in Sylvan was met with no responses).

Respondents from Southwest seemed to express the same feelings about their peers, noting their ability to “party so much harder” gave them a leg up on their classmates. “They definitely have weed over there, but do they even crush beers on the weekends?” stated sophomore Michael Horowitz, a resident of Washington Tower, speaking in between large rips from his JUUL. “I could outdrink any one of those nerds. Fact.”

Other residents could not provide concrete reasons for their perception, and just said they knew that they were better than everyone, “hands down”.

The study also determined a strong link between membership of Isenberg and a perceived feeling of superiority over other students. Upon request for comment, administrative officials issued a statement saying they would be analyzing the results over the next few months and developing a plan of action.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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