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How to Skip Lines at UMass Like a Boss

 

When you go to a big school like UMass with 20,000 other students, living your life in a timely and efficient matter is nearly impossible. No matter where you go on or off campus, it’s pretty much guaranteed that the place is going to be crowded and you will have to wait in a line. Lines are more like social constructions; optional rather than mandatory courtesies. Sure, cutting may be dicky, but do you really expect us to wait 30 minutes in a sea of drunken dullards just for our post-bar Antonio’s slice? No.

 

Understand the Mindset of People in Line:

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Before you start making bold moves, it’s important to put yourself in the shoes of the people in line, and try to understand their mentality. As a universally held rule, people much prefer if you take things slow and talk to them first. Say you’re waiting in the hour-long line for Monkey Bar. No one is going to simply let you cut in front of them without a fight. So the first step, naturally, is to find and target the drunkest looking individual and chat them up a little before politely asking to cut behind them instead of ahead of them. Then, if the person behind you starts getting testy, pull a Taylor Swift and exclude yourself from the narrative by blaming the milquetoast who let you cut. They’ll begin to bicker back in forth while you watch and laugh internally.

Play Childish Games:

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Sometimes the best way to get away with things in life is acting really, really stupid. Kind of like when someone asks you to do something and you do it terribly on purpose, so they never ask you again. The same logic can be applied to cutting lines. If you slither in front of ten people waiting in The Grill line at Blue Wall, you are invariably going to be told that the line is “back there” and that you just cut everyone. This is where you play dumb and act bewildered. Just keep repeating that you didn’t cut anyone, and answer every question with another question. Believe us, it’s foolproof.

 

Pretend You Don’t Speak English:

Lines are not customary on the island of Guam (or so you can make people believe). For example, if you need to cut to the front of the printing or computer line at the library, just chat em’ up in another language. You didn’t take all those French classes for nothing. Make sure to get out of dodge quickly though, because if a friend spots you and comes up to say hey, you’re pretty much up shit’s creek without a paddle.

Be a Bro:

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Seeing a friend to cut near the front of a line is comparable to a free slice of chicken bacon ranch pizza from Antonio’s. Since it’s a rare occurrence, sometimes it’s necessary to make some new friends. Dap up a couple strangers outside of Stackers or OTT, and get talking, and before you know it you’ll be rolling into the bar with them and getting drinks bought for you. If people complain just answer them with a long, drawn-out “Bruuuuuuuhhhhh.”

 

If you’re going to cut a line, just be sure to be strategic, stay low-key, but also take no bullshit. Only nice guys finish last.

Zombies, and footballs, and beers oh my:

 

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