Southwest to Become Sanctuary For Dozens Of Party Refugees from Neighboring Campuses

author-pic at University of Massachusetts  

In a bold attempt to assist party refugees escaping from boring schools like the University of New Hampshire and UConn, a large group of Southwest students have begun smuggling their friends into the residential area using any means necessary. The action is being seen as a response to administration’s parking and “travel” ban that will be made effective campus wide from March 3rd to 5th to prevent another Blarney Blowout. 

According to several sources who wish to remain anonymous for fear of being expelled, JQA Tower residences have asked their friends from out of town to arrive in Amherst three days ahead of Blarney in order to avoid the increased security in Southwest. However, guests must remain indoors and undetected until the day of the event. And because students are not allowed to use guest swipes during the weekend, food could become a serious luxury to the dozens of refugees. Resistance organizers, however, have appeared to come up with a solution.

“We thought it’d be best to pool our resources for the greater good of this cause,” said fearless Coolidge resident Karen Betts, a student with no prior Blarney experiences. “There are about 25 refugees on my floor alone. We figured the best way to feed them would be to pool our dining dollars and order sheet pizzas from Southwest Express every night.”

For the refugees, the efforts from their peers have not gone unnoticed. Dave Patterson, a Westfield State freshman who called Blarney Blowout ’13 “the stuff of legends,” is extremely grateful for the day drinking opportunity of a life time, yet remains cautious as someone who is undeniably somewhere he just isn’t supposed to be.

“My UMass buddy always complains about Amherst being in the middle of nowhere. At least he’s in the middle of nowhere surrounded by other people. Westfield is just surrounded by nowhere.” he complained. “I’m really excited to rage my face off at the Townhouses in green clothes. My school isn’t as lucky.”

It is estimated that as many as 500 party refugees currently reside within the Southwest residential area unbeknownst to staff. The reason? They only venture to the bathroom when their peers are certain that RA walkthroughs have already taken place.

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.