From disgruntled fathers voicing their opinions to your relationship status, here are 10 fights you’re gonna have with your parents this Thanksgiving.
10.) Your Style:
As soon as you step foot on your front stoop, your mother will burst into tears, exclaiming that you “look like a male prostitute.” After arguing about appropriate fashion in the doorway, she will see your new tattooed reverse mohawk, her eyes will roll to the heavens, and she’ll faint on your “Welcome to My Home” mat.
9.) Whether or Not to Watch Football:
After turning on the television, your grandfather will yell obscenities at the players kneeling for the national anthem. When you’ve explained why their kneeling and the consequences of having free speech, grandpa will give an understanding grunt and continue yelling obscenities.
8.) A Trend You Don’t Actually Care About:
You don’t care about dabbing, you never have cared about dabbing, you don’t dab. However, when your stupid parents bring up what a stupid trend dabbing is, dabbing becomes your life-force, something that must be defended until the last drop of blood flows from your cold, dead heart.
7.) Your New Diet:
When you announce that you are now a vegan, your siblings have the common sense to make like Harry Potter and hide under the stairs. However, your liberal arts education has taught you that your opinions are never wrong. After your father grunts “No son of mine is gay,” you realize that an explanation of what vegan means is futile.
6.) Are You in a Relationship Yet?:
Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a boyfriend? Your mom doesn’t care who you’re interested in as long as you have someone you’re gonna marry in the next couple years.
5.) The Appropriate Drinking Age:
Your uncle Ted thinks you’re old enough to have a beer with dinner! Drinking will make this holiday bearable. When you accept an adult beverage, however, your parents will remind you that you are only 20, and interrogate you about your binge drinking habits.
4.) Who’d You Vote For?:
The election is over. So you can talk about politics, right? Wrong. Someone in your family is unhappy with the outcome and they are going to make their voices heard above the din of a burning turkey setting off the smoke alarm.
3.) Whose Generation Got Fucked the Most:
You start talking about how hard it’s gonna be to pay back your student loans, but your grandfather just hears an opportunity to talk about “The War.” He never explains which war he was in, but you get the idea that it was pretty tough and that he may or may not have had an affair with the doctor who performed surgery on him mid-battle.
2.) Does Race Exist?:
Uh-oh. You thought uncle Ted was cool, but after he has a few drinks, his real thoughts about lives that matter comes out. Apparently your spit take wasn’t enough of a hint to stop talking because a veritable manifesto is now pouring out of his racist mouth.
1.) Whether or Not You Are Going to Continue to be a Part of This Family:
Mom is crying, dad is in a turkey coma, and grandpa and grandma have forgotten who you are. It’s time to go. As you try to slip out, however, you draw the attention of your entire family and end your Thanksgiving fighting about whether or not you love them enough to spend time with them.
Something so bad, 12 beers later, is so, so good.