UMass Animal Science Department to Look Into Fraternity’s Biting Habits
Given the current flurry of headlines surrounding a fraternity at UMass, the Animal Science department has taken to investigating the recent incidents in an attempt to understand what exactly is motivating these party animals.
“Frankly, I have never seen anything like this,” claimed graduate student, Cat Black. Studying the frat’s involvement in biting incidents around campus.
One campus deer, unfortunately, appeared to have gotten a little too close to the fraternity’s house. The deer was identified as a possible link to the frat based on the lacrosse pinnie it was wearing, as well as the penis drawn on its face in sharpie.
“There’s no doubt in my mind that one particular fraternity was behind this,” Cat said. “These savages have been biting everything in sight recently and it’s becoming a real issue. These brothers used to throw parties that get out of hand, but not to the Hannibal Lector level it’s come to.”
The leading academic on the study walked through their process of evaluating the biting trend. “We look at events like these, and after sobering up, we think about how it fits in with facts we already know. Is it a display of marking territory? Is it an unconventional mating ritual? The truth is, we have no fucking idea.”
The research team’s plan of action is to next study the diets of the brothers to determine if they all have the stomach for ear. After having looked at one stomach, the team found the remnants of several pizza slices, an unopened 8 oz. bottle of Smirnoff, a license plate reading SAFTB, and approximately 1/8 of a Sports Management textbook.
“The jury is still out as to what is motivating the biting behavior,” added another student in the lab. “Until the evidence returns a conclusive answer, we advise all partygoers to wear our patented special protection, vegetable-flavored earmuffs when going to the frats. This has proven to be the only method so far that will keep the frat boys at bay.”
While not flashy, the earmuffs have become a necessity for any partygoers. That is, if their ratio is up to snuff.
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