Amherst – Apparent clown sightings have increased across UMass, just in time for midterms, cooling weather, and impending doom come the November election. What some have said is “just another fucked up thing in 2016 aka the apocalypse,” experts have argued otherwise — that these campus clowns are merely physical manifestations of students’ stress.
“The mind is a peculiar thing,” Dr. Susan Orbst told reporters Tuesday morning. “Students have so much riding on their shoulders they don’t know how to handle it. All of sudden, they start seeing physical manifestations of their worst nightmares, wielding machetes and waggling their little clown dicks behind Old Towne Tavern.”
“Three of my professors all had midterms on the same day, it’s so dumb. Then my English professor decided to do have a ‘5-page quick response’ due on Friday about a book I didn’t read,” Josh Longman, a senior accounting major said. “I needed a distraction so I logged onto Facebook and get some perspective by looking at all the girls from my high school who’re already pregnant — but all I saw there was a 600 long comment argument on guns below a video of dogs trying to bite hose. Everything is fucked. Next thing I know, there’s a clown outside my window, giving me the ‘come hither’ finger.”
According to reports, clowns have been showing up where stress is most concentrated on campus. Take a look at this webcam footage exclusively found by The Black Sheep reporters:
However, it remains a mystery why campus police have yet to see the clowns, despite getting multiple reports of them being in the area.
“Police are blissfully naive,” Dr. Orbst told reporters. “They truly believe America is about to be Great Again, so they don’t have stress, and thusly don’t see any clowns.”
We talked to UMass chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy, to see if they had any plans to address the clowns. “I think this is just maybe some pranksters getting in the Halloween spirit,” Chancellor Subbaswamy said. “Though the other day I asked a student if he’d seen a clown yet, and he asked me if I’d seen any. I said no, and he looked at me puzzled before asking ‘oh you didn’t see one when you looked in the mirror?‘ and so that was a pretty good burn. He didn’t need to flip me off though, that one hurt.”
“I imagine once midterms pass, at least, the stress levels will go back to being able to deal with literally everything else perceivable by human consciousness sucking. Right now, the clowns are just a fun, albeit dark, distraction from the world burning,” Dr. Orbst concluded. “Everyone is divided on everything, but one thing everybody can get behind is that spooky clowns are bad.”
Stress is mounting at UMass, and whether students will soon say “fuck it” and join the clowns in the woods or wherever they’re coming from will soon be seen, but for now, we’ll just rack up those sweet sweet RTs while blissfully ignoring the world burning around us.
Homecoming? Didn’t we already do that?