UMass Places Travel Ban on Southwest Residents Migrating to Townehouse Darties

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Inspired by the hostility deeply ingrained in every aspect of our current political climate, the UMass administration has decided to take restrictive action in an attempt to solve the PVTA bus overcrowding problem.

In efforts to facilitate the flow of public transit and reward the frequent PVTA passengers, residents of Southwest who would normally be headed to the Townehouse Apartments to darty have been banned from taking the North Amherst bus route.

“This has become so inconvenient,” freshman Morgan Wells stated. “Like, yeah it was hard being squished on those buses, but like what am I supposed to do now?” 

Since last week’s decision, the UMass administration has explicitly stated that they forbid PVTA security forces from profiling or stereotyping students, but if they do show probable cause (i.e. wearing choker necklaces, carrying a clunky looking North Face backpack but not appearing studious, holding plastic water bottles) they may be subject to present their housing documents.

“I really don’t see how this is a problem,” reported frequent PVTA bus passenger Shawn McLaughn.”I for one think that the hard working PVTA riders, like myself, who take the bus to do things other than just getting obliterated on the weekends should be rewarded.”

But like any controversial decision, the travel ban was met with a wide range of reactions.

Pierpont Hall Resident Assistant Rachel Kyoto is one of many Southwest habitants who opposes the new policy. Speaking on behalf of her freshmen residents, Kyoto pleaded, “Please, for the love of God let them ride the bus again. Whatever, yeah I get it. But now that they have nowhere to go, they won’t leave the dorms and are defacing my bulletin boards even more than they normally do.”

While public opinion may be uncertain at this time, one thing that’s clear is that resentment and Rubinoff do not mix well and it may only be a matter of time until we see these intoxicated underclassmen rise up.

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