It’s beginning to look a lot like sweat, tears and Adderall pouring across pages and pages of semester-long notes as college students begin to dubiously cram for the upcoming exams. Never fear! After one-or-two weeks of academic hell on this cruel, cruel world, baby Jesus will be born! In the material spirit of the season, here are five gifts that you’ll run into this holiday season while stifling away your soul’s unconditional pain for shitty gifts.
1.) UNCC Tumbler:
Forget what the label says, this is an oversized shot glass. Dad will think he’s being cheap and clever, but he’ll just encourage your post-exam alcohol problem; you promised yourself that you’ll limit your daily intake, but who can resist the delicious call of the Goose? Best of all, it’s Norm approved!
2.) Credit Card Weapon Assembly:
The description suggests you use it for self-defense. We suggest you threaten yourself every time you siphon money from those Student Union ATM’s to go clubbing with the squad in uptown. Bruno proposes you “spend your money like money ain’t shit (whoop, whoop),” but $100 a week isn’t much to live by….
3.) Glass Tear:
When the sun is shining extra bright over the Atkins library, when the Fretwell bathrooms are cleaned, when your Calculus professor gets sick, remind yourself that happiness at UNCC is temporary with desert foliage trapped inside a suffocating glass tear. Most importantly, the artificial plant is green, so you can maintain your school spirit while feeling melancholic.
4.) UNCC Snowflake:
Only your parents will think that reminding you about college over break will demean your winter blues (here’s where that glass tear comes in). Get ready to be reminded of traffic, our losing football team, golf carts, and scarlet, chapped brick every time you see a goddamn snowflake for the rest of your life. Thanks, a lot, Freud. With this generic, un-personalized snowflake necklace, you’ll know for sure that you’re only another churn out of the ol’ UNCC machine, and no special snowflake.
Deep down, you know you don’t deserve jack. So for just $6.99 you can reward your sub-par semester’s work with Nothing. Toys break, clothing wears off, shoes crumble, but Nothing is the only reliable gift of any holiday season. After all, nothing you get this Christmas will erase the fact that, in just a month, you’ll return to the windy, dead leaf-swirling alley next to the SAC, the graffitied, gum-scented desks at Atkins, and the creaky, poorly-cushioned seats at Denny. So don’t delude yourself with cheer. Spend money on absolutely Nothing. After all, what’s the meaning of it all, anyway?
The likelihood that you’ll receive any of these gifts is rather slim; social convention dictates that, regardless of terrible grades, heartache and pain, Christmas et al. is a time of happiness, joy, and everything in between. Fortunately for you, that “in between” is usually personified in a couple of carefully-folded Benjamin’s. Thanks, Grandma. As for The Black Sheep, we need to settle some beef with Santa; he’s been sending us coal since 2013. Don’t worry, we’ll be back next semester with a fresher attitude. Happy Holidays, everyone!