Booze Review: Strongbow Gold Apple Hard Cider

author-pic at UNC Charlotte  

So you’re in the midst of sorority recruitment and if you have to have one more conversation with a dull freshman about how your house gives your purpose you might just take that paddle your big gave you and smash it against your skull. But don’t let that ruin the dawn of fall. Instead, get yourself some Strongbow and start the autumn season off with a nice buzz.

Grade: B

Smells Like:
A painful reminder that you’re going on 13 months of not having eaten an actual fruit that wasn’t accompanied by an alcoholic beverage.

Tastes Like:
You’re about to get crisscross apple-sauced tonight.

Typical Drinkers:
– Girls who love flannels, cuddling and pizza, but aren’t like other girls.

– People who were tired of getting picked on for drinking Mike’s Hard.

– Owners of Reba McEntire’s hit album For My Broken Heart.

– Srat stars whose voices sound like they smoke two packs of Marlboro Reds a day.

– That guy behind you in lecture…keep it low-key though.

User Comments:
– “I mean, it’s alright I guess but when it comes to fruit-flavored drinks, I’m more of a Four Loko guy.”

– “Oh my God, Brittany, do you think, like, anyone’s ever mixed this in their caramel macchiatos before? Get Starbucks on the phone.”

– “This is way better than that Martinelli’s crap that I had as a kid!”

– “You’ve gotten cider? You hardly know her! HAHAHAHAHA! I cry myself to sleep some nights.”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:
Hearing both Earth, Wind & Fire’s Septemberand Green Day’s “Wake Me Up When September Ends” a collective total of 2,673 times this month. Yes, we get it, it’s September.

What is Cider?:
It’s essentially just a pretentious, fruity beer. If cider was a person, their name would probably be Clay.

Is Recruitment Over Yet?:
Hang in there. The swollen ankles are temporary but the sisterhood is forever.

We Mixed it With:
A trip to the apple orchard that resulted in a life ban from the premises…don’t ask.