UNC Charlotte’s head football coach, Brad Lambert was reported to be entering local correctional institutes this past weekend to visit inmates during their recreational period.
With training year-round and the launch-off spring football game around the corner, last month’s arrest of quarterback Kevin Olsen had the entire program in a frenzy. In dire need of a new quarterback to fill the position, Coach Lambert decided to take matters into his own hands.
“It was a shame that we lost Olsen to that unfortunate mix-up. We just weren’t expecting it,” said Lambert. “He was a good quarterback and a real trustworthy young man. His criminal background gave me no indication of what was to come.”
Despite the unexpected twist, Lambert seemed to be positive about the prospects. “I’m not worried at all, we’re going to find someone just as good, if not better.”
In fact, Coach Lambert began his search this past weekend at the three prospective locations: Jail North, Mecklenburg County Jail Central, and Brown Creek Correctional Institute. He reports being on the break of finding a savior for the coming football season.
“These young men are machines,” spouted Lambert. “All they have time to do is work out and stay cut, so all of them would definitely be top tier picks for our school’s team.”
University officials pressing for additional information after the reports confronted Coach Lambert, who was giving off the impression that these men weren’t felons and shouldn’t be treated as such.
“Fel-ines? Are you saying these men are kitty cats? That’s absurd. I can assure you that these men are not pussies.”
Coach Lambert’s plan was met with outrage by university administration as being “ludicrous and insensitive,” until he showed his demo reel of inmate Thaddeus “Murder-Dick” Jones throwing a left-handed 40-yard spiral without even looking.
“It’s a real positive program we’re building here for UNCC and the greater community,” a university official stated. “We’re giving these young man the second chance they’ve already gotten and broken time and time again.”
When questioned on how Lambert planned on getting his pick of a new quarterback out of prison he simply responded, “Athletic scholarship,” before crossing his arms and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively for several minutes.
After the reel finished showcasing several more convicts executing plays that would make Deshaun Watson look like a little leaguer, Coach Lambert chuckled and said, “It’s going to be one a hell of a season.”
Drunk people say the darndest things: