On Sunday, April 9, UNC Charlotte fraternity Zeta Beta Mashed Potato returned from their annual “Beach Weekend,” which took place in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Every year, the fraternity celebrates its own existence and fragile masculinity by traveling to the beautiful beaches of the Carolinas, shotgunning beers, and getting sand in their girlfriend’s vaginas. However, this year the brothers of Zeta Beta Mashed Potato took things a little too far when they involved the local ecology in their reckless behavior.
Clarke Hightower, a 5th year biology major, set the weekend precedent for nature abuse by pouring Keystone Light into a live conch shell, then drinking out of the conch with relish. “Shellfish are like, really good for you and stuff. They’re lean and good for bodybuilding,” he commented when asked why the conch was his utensil of choice. His little, Jonathan Barrier, followed in his footsteps by gutting a flounder from mouth to tail, and using the carcass as a makeshift marijuana bowl. “Go Zeta! Go Niners!” he cheered after taking that first, fishy hit.
The ecological manipulation only went downhill from there. Inspired by Hightower and Barrier, other brothers mercilessly pillaged the seas for conchs and flounder. The species’ population dwindled as the bros got more and more lit.
“This one’s for m’ lady,” fraternity president Connor Powell explained as he harpooned a bottlenose dolphin for the purpose of extracting its intestines. “Dolphin intestines have many properties, including their natural beer-funnel shape!” girlfriend Chloe Lowder commented. “I’m on the pre-vet track. It’s good to know these things,” she devilishly concluded.
Logically, after conchs, flounder, and bottlenose dolphins, red algae blooms were next on the hit list. “This shit makes you sooooo high!” shrieked a scantily clad brother, who preferred to go by the name Yung Pussy Grabber. Apparently, the blooms work best when dissolved in cheap alcoholic beverages, but they can cause spontaneous emptying of the bowels.
Come Sunday, the brothers of Zeta Beta mashed potato did not feel quite ready to leave. Remarks of, “We need to make our mark, bro,” echoed throughout the partially-destroyed beach house. After appealing to the graduated brothers for answers via candles and dolphin blood, it was decided that only fire could satisfy the legacy of UNC Charlotte’s chapter of Zeta Beta Mashed Potato. President Connor Powell exposed the coastal brush to his American flag lighter, and the other brothers followed. As the native plant species burned to its demise, the brothers formed a circle on the sand, and slowly took off their clothes. They then looked to the moon as they sang God Bless America in pig latin, a symbol of solidarity and brotherly love.
Due to the loss of a conch, flounder, dolphin, algae, and coastal brush species, the Myrtle Beach Department of Agriculture is suing UNC Charlotte’s chapter of Zeta Beta Mashed Potato for animal abuse and arson. The fraternity is not expected to acknowledge these charges any time soon.
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