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How Not To Be A Basic Halloween Bitch: Niner Edition


If you’re reading this, you’re probably a basic bitch seeking redemption, or you just came for shits and giggles. Either way, it’s clear that our school is home to a lot of basic bitches that desperately need step up their game this Halloween. So finish taking that selfie and sit your legging-wearing keister down and learn to be yourself for a change. Here are some tips on that, in case you need ’em.



Since it’s October, it’s very clear you have pumpkins on the brain. That fact is made painfully obvious by the latte you have with you at any given moment and that Instagram picture of you with that pumpkin spice vodka, paired with the “ironic” hashtag of #whitegirlwasted. 


Beyond the flavoring and mere commercial appeal of the season’s favorite gourd, you’re probably looking to pick a pumpkin as well. But you know that any fall activity is really about you putting on a super cute fall outfit, going to the pumpkin patch with at least three of your many Greek “friends,” and taking innumerable pictures to stay true to your basic instincts. So here’s the plan for this year: you go the pumpkin patch, you purchase a pumpkin, and then you go home. End of story.


Your Costume:

You might think you’re hot shit and all, and you very well might be. We all know you’re on the fence about becoming a stripper to “work your way through school,” but Halloween doesn’t have to serve as your application to Leather and Lace or your potential invitation to the Playboy Mansion (looking at you fellas). Consider that you’ll need to traverse a gauntlet of hills and loose brick paths in relatively chilly weather to make it to that Halloween party in some dude’s shitty apartment in UT North and choose something practical… like a duck


However, even by choosing a weather-appropriate costume, you’re not quite out of basic bitch territory yet. Please be aware that basic bitch costumes generally are unoriginal costumes that you and your besties/bros claim would be “perfect” and “so funny.” Leave your sexy service worker costumes at home for at least one day out of the year, try and show the world that you can even!


Stay on Campus!:
Enough criticism for a second — instead, let’s go over how we can bring UNCC in general out of the basic zone this Halloween. It’s a pretty safe assumption that this campus will be deader than your morals that evening since most people end up going to ECU. You might shit on them the other 364 days of the year, but you’ll deny all of that if it means going to a real party this Halloween. So instead of hosting small get-togethers in random apartments, let’s bring them all together and try our best to keep it from sucking. And when you’re going to that party, try and bring something original to the table. We don’t want to end up looking like homeless shelter for black cats.


If all else fails, just give up and trick-or-treating as a #BasicBitch. At least you’ll get some free shit out of the deal, not to mention some ~totes~ cute instas.     


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