If UNCC Buildings Were STDs

author-pic at UNC Charlotte  

STDs: Sometimes they’re invisible, sometimes they’re glaringly obvious; sometimes they go away, and sometimes they’re with you forever. UNC Charlotte’s campus bears a lot of similarities to sexually transmitted diseases, so much so that we question, “Is it safe to touch this?” Thankfully, there are just as many STDs as there are instances of questionable architecture and public health hazards, thus, each notorious academic building and dorm has a complementary STD.

10.) Scott Hall – Oral Herpes:

Scott Hall is full of freshmen who have no idea what they’re doing, and somehow, that goes hand-in-hand with oral herpes. This STD is like the lame younger brother of genital herpes. Therefore, if you’re trying to get some, but don’t want to go all the way, this is place.

9.) Denny – HIV:

HIV is special because it can be spread through non-sexual means, aka, needles and blood. It’s also one of the most dangerous and foreboding STDs out there. Denny is totally HIV’s counterpart due to its public health hazards and sketchy nature. Let’s just say you want to spend as little time here as possible in case you accidentally touch one of the desks and acquire a 30 year old viral strain.

8.) Fretwell – Chlamydia:

Fretwell is chlamydia because both entities are silent but deadly. The majority of chlamydia infections go unnoticed, until BAM! 10 years later you find out you’re infertile. Similarly, you go to class in Fretwell every day for the duration of a semester, and suddenly, it’s your sixth year of college and you still don’t have a major. Who knew?

7.) Lynch Hall- Hepatitis:

Lynch Hall: the home of the bums who don’t know shit, and don’t want to! Hepatitis is preventable by vaccine, but who the hell would want to do that? We’ll go for the infection over being responsible and looking like a pussy. *Longboards into the sunset*

6.) The SAC – Crabs:

Crabs in the SAC! (Meaning the BALL SACK!!) The SAC is the number one place to touch things that other people have touched. Add in sweat and crotches and you’re in for some crabs! At least this STD is treatable, but take this as a reminder to please, for the love of god, wipe down the machines after you use them!

5.) Jerry Richardson Stadium- HPV:

HPV is truly a nightmare, which is why everyone got the Gardasil vaccine! Too bad recent studies show it doesn’t do shit. Jerry Richardson Stadium is pretty similar in that way- it looks extravagant and large, but it’s never filled because no one actually cares about our football team! Yet, we’re still subject to the nightmare that is “miscellaneous fees” that pays for useless shit like this stadium.

4.) Sycamore Hall – Trichomoniasis:

Trichomoniasis is an unknown horror, which is also the exact definition of Sycamore Hall. Trichomoniasis involves parasites and discoloration, and that’s basically all you need to know. Sycamore Hall is the kind of place where you find a week-old dead rat in the corner, and that’s all you need to know.

3.) Crown Commons – Gonorrhea:

No other STD has quite the reputation for grossness like Gonorrhea. Just the name sounds horrible, and the symptoms are even worse. Any eating location that has the word “commons” in it AND uses alliteration is something that should be avoided.

2.) Moore Hall – Genital Herpes:

We’ve finally advanced from oral herpes to genital! If Scott Hall wasn’t traumatizing enough for you, Moore will certainly do the trick (if you’re ready to go all the way). If you do go all the way, always remember: no condoms allowed.

1.) EPIC – Syphilis:

Syphilis was the disease if you were a British aristocrat living in the early 18th century. This was the STD of the elite. Similarly, only those pretentious, bitch-ass engineers frequent this glorified brothel, but hey, at least EPIC brings all the engineers together so they can be quarantined from the public.

You will probably never be able to look at the buildings on campus again without thinking of what sexually transmitted disease they are, and you’re welcome! Sorry, not sorry. 

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.