City of Charlotte Announces Light Rail Construction Will Finish the Day After You Graduate

author-pic at UNC Charlotte  

After a controversial press conference held near the Reese Building, Chancellor Philip L. Dubois announced that the Light Rail extension connecting the UNC Charlotte campus to uptown Charlotte, will be delayed a day after you, yes you, graduate.

“The university, including myself, wanted to make sure that we completely empty every penny out of your bank account before we decide to open the rail to Charlotte students,” remarked the Chancellor while inhaling a Cuban cigar. “Running a university isn’t cheap, and my future hair extensions will cost loads to our students,” finished the Chancellor.

Jerry Gruenberg, a freshman at the university, remarked how happy he was with the chancellor’s choice. “Because we’re waiting on you to graduate, I’ll only be halfway through my junior year before I get to see how my tuition pays off!”

Jerry Gruenberg II, a senior at UNCC and surprisingly not related to just Jerry Gruenberg, said, “The first time I heard they were building a Light Rail extension, I knew I was never able to use it. Even when that filthy public relations department assured us it would open in August 2017, the slow pace of those workers high on fumes and roll-your-owns assured me I would never see those train cars. I like trains.”

On the other side of the aisle, many professors were oblivious to the construction of the Light Rail, much less its opening a day after you graduate.

“Why would I give a shit about there being a train on campus?” said Spanish professor Emily Kristoff. “My gas-guzzling Chevrolet Suburban is far comfier than some third-rate train car. What is this, the goddamn 1800s?”