Dear Class of 2020,
First off, congratulations! You’ve chosen the best school (apart from being denied at Chapel Hill and State) to spend your next four to seven years at. We know you’re probably anxious, excited, scared, happy, sad, frustrated, melancholy, content, silly, angry, worried, surprised, embarrassed, prideful, turned on, passionate, raging, remorseful, agitated, elated, sensitive, thrilled, vibing, tender, disturbed, loving, sympathetic, peaceful, indifferent, cheerful, and inspired ALL at the same time—we all felt that specific way at the exact time in our life, so feel affirmed. Let us reassure you though: you made the right choice by picking UNCC.
Soon you’ll start shopping for dorm decorations that won’t do shit to make the high rises any less depressing, and mentally preparing yourself for all the dumbass questions and your peers trying to act way cooler than they were in high school at orientation, because you’re ~reinventing yourself.~ And although move-in is still months away, we know you’re already talking to potential roommates and pretending you’re not both controlling psychopaths, endlessly planning what you’re going to steal from one another in your shared bedroom. But when you come to UNCC, your life will change dramatically.
We don’t say that to scare you, we say that to excite you. You will make some of the greatest friends in your dorm, and probably even on your hall, or that is, for the first two weeks, until they all join Greek life and don’t need to use you anymore to not look like a lone loser in South Village Dining Hall.
You will immediately become an adult when your parents are done moving all your shit in and you avoid hugging goodbye to assert your dominance on the hallway. You will not thank your parents for any of their help or the fact that they left you with some spending money and stocked you up on snacks, to make sure everyone know that you’re entirely indifferent, which is the true Niner way. You will think to yourself, “Wow, this is finally happening, high school and Pinterest totally prepared me for this.”
You will meet your roommate/potential enemy that will kick you out of your room to have sex with strangers, your RA who will constantly want you to attend his/her session on how underage drinking is awful, and your hall mates that will set the fire alarms off at 4 a.m. every weekend for the rest of the year from either lightin’ up or being unable to cook fucking popcorn—all of these people will have a huge impact on your time here at UNCC.
If you’re like us, one of the main reasons you chose UNCC was for the city life you’re not old enough to take part in. If this is the case, you will be excited to know that UNCC has very little to offer as a campus. With 27,000 students, you will be friends with roughly 3 people, and spend the majority of your time jacking off in your dorm room, complaining about how anti-social everyone is. Most class sizes are like high school, at 19:1, so rest assured that your professors would have zero interest in getting to know you. The gender ratio is at 51% men and 49% women, and despite the almost even difference, males will constantly whine about the university not having enough females.
UNCC has over 86 undergraduate degrees for you to choose and ultimately drop out of, and if you’re like us and can’t choose a major, you’re bound to eventually try engineering and drop out of it after 1201 for a Liberal Arts degree that let’s you slack off way more. The average GPA of UNCC applicants is a 3.2-3.7, so be proud of yourself that you’re coming to such an unimpressive school.
We know you’re counting down the days until move-in, trying to figure out how to stay in touch “every. single. day.” to fabricate how much more ~amazing~ your college experience is than everyone else’s. Soon you’ll feel at home at UNCC and you’ll never be able to imagine yourself anywhere else. You’ll go to a handful of shitty apartment parties, witness a ton of drug deals, learn how awful UNCC Wi-Fi is, and know exactly why everyone hates the geese. But you’ll also be stuck in traffic on University City Blvd, be terrified of getting caught in the endless shootings around Charlotte, and spend all your DB in the first month, but it’ll be worth it, mostly. Sorry, finals are rough and will put you in an endlessly bad mood — so you’ve got to look forward to too!
You’ll truly be part of the family, Future Niners.
We can’t wait to avoid eye contact with you in August!
The Black Sheep