Everybody knows that everybody poops, but only some people know the best places on campus to do it. Don’t get stuck with diarrhea in your dorm after the cafeteria food or panic on your way to class after a night of drinking, only to realize you have DADS — use this helpfully handy guide to pinpoint the perfect places on campus to just completely wreck a bathroom stall and feel no remorse afterwards!
10.) Fretwell (1st Floor):
The Fretwell bathrooms are pretty nice, but the first floor bathrooms look and smell like a Denny’s restroom after a two-for-one Grand Slam special. If you feel like your simple bowel movement has been escalated into a “situation,” you can be relieved of all guilt, knowing this bathroom won’t be any worse off once you’re done with it.
Being one of the most elusive on campus, this bathroom is located on the first floor of CHHS in a surprisingly secluded area. Most people retire their search within minutes. So if you stick it out long enough to make this discovery, you will be well rewarded with a pristine and untouched bathroom experience of which you can ruin for any future visitors.
8.) SAC (Student Activity Center):
If you don’t mind the general aura of athleticism (a.k.a SAC sweat), the SAC bathrooms aren’t that bad. They’re large and plentiful enough that it won’t be a big deal if somebody hears or smells the after effects of your dinner at SOVI that evening. Plus there’s a chair in the corner for anybody who has finished using the bathrooms, but still isn’t finished taking in all the majesty it has to offer.
7.) COED (Top Floor):
The bathrooms in COED aren’t incredibly hard to find, so they can have a relatively good amount of foot traffic in and out. However, if you’re cool with scaling a few flights of steps, the top floor bathrooms are the place to be. You could also take the elevator, but it most likely won’t pick up its pace just because you’re about to shit your pants.
6.) Cone (Basement):
Whether you call it the basement or the first floor, Cone’s lower region is home to one of the most private bathrooms on campus. It isn’t especially nice and it certainly isn’t spacious. In fact, it’s practically a closet with a toilet, urinal and sink (claustrophobics would do best to avoid this one). But one thing it does have going for it is that it’s so small that a stranger wouldn’t dare share that level of intimacy with you, should you be in middle of choking a brownie.
5.) Atkins Library (8th Floor):
Nobody is more constipated than a stressed out UNCC student preparing for midterms. So the higher you go in the library, the cleaner and more private the bathrooms will become. By the eighth floor they’ll be spotless. Although it’s a one-person bathroom, there’s no lock on the outside door; this is perfect for the confident pooper! They don’t much appreciate loud noises up there, so if you feel a particularly loud shart coming on, make sure you’re packing silent and deadly.
4.) Student Union (4th floor):
While the Student Union might be one of the most perpetually populated places on campus, a lot of people are unaware that it’s home to a fourth floor. The fourth floor bathroom tends to go equally unnoticed. If you don’t mind scaling a few flights of stairs, you can be sure you’ll be fairly undisturbed while you’re doing the royal squat. This is probably for the best, seeing as how they added that Bojangles downstairs.
3.) Robinson Hall:
Robison Hall is one of those places that’s either mobbed or vacant at any given time. The latter is usually the case on a day to day basis. As such, the only people present are the music majors. But they’re far too busy trying to scrounge together credit hours to worry about such a low priority thing as bodily functions. And for extra luxury, there’s also a family bathroom for individuals to take from people who may actually need it.
For those resilient enough to make the journey or unfortunate enough to have to do so daily, the EPIC bathrooms are some of the best. Nobody really knows what EPIC is for or why it was built, but some theorize it was put there for the immaculate bathrooms within. In addition to visual appeal, they’re incredibly spacious and escalate in privacy along with the floor level. For maximum luxury, use the colossal sized handicap stall that is bigger than the average dorm room.
What bathroom could possibly be better than a bathroom that has never been used? The Johnson Band Center is the newly completely building that will soon serve as the headquarters for the PNNMB (Pride of Niner Nation Marching Band). Assuming those pesky construction workers didn’t christen it first, this should be a brand new bathroom. However, the JBC will only be accessible to PNNMB members. So to use this bathroom, you’re gonna have to know somebody on the inside.