So you thought we wouldn’t notice you ignorant dweebs? We’ve bloodied the faces of every class, and now it’s your turn to suffer. Welcome to our humble university, where the Chancellor doesn’t know how to write an e-mail, some of the bathrooms are best left unattended, and absolutely everyone gets a bloody nose from The Black Sheep. Let’s look at some of the rosy faces that you graciously provided us on your “Class of 2021” Facebook page. If we chose you as tribute, consider it an honor.
She’s Just Small Town Girl:
Lucy is just a small-town girl living in a lonely world. She took the midnight train to UNCC and is completely disappointed by our gym facilities and whatever the hell uptown is supposed to be; our collection of petty skyscrapers is no New York City, Lucy. Hold on to that UNCC feeling, though.
The Cultured Man:
Ladies and gentleman, here comes Brenden. With an “e,” motherfuckers. Living in the whitest neighborhood in Singapore for 13 years gives him the right to never shut up about his multicultural experiences. Frats will salivate after hearing your story because they’ll be calculating how big of a brand will burn away your ego. Get used to the pain, Brandon Brendan Brenden.
Sup, Abby. You won’t have any problems adjusting to college. Most people at UNCC are just as easygoing as you. Our GPA’s are 2.5 on average, and most people attend classes hungover. Although, for your sake, we recommend you pay attention who you’re rooming with; you don’t want to end up with Erin who’ll never leave her dorm and constantly jam to alternative rock.
How about you do it yourself, Ronak. Maybe if you showed more initiative, we wouldn’t be making fun of you here.
Whoever ends up rooming with Rylee, prepare for (half-empty) bottles of booze sprawled around on the floor, in the couch, and inside flower pots. Don’t forget the slimy Cheeto grease on the spoons, forks, and door knobs. You won’t be able to sleep since she’ll be binging The Office for the 12th time at 3 a.m. and belly laughing at all the wrong places.
Sweet Sweet Caroline:
Sweet Caroline. We tried to make fun of your interests, but there’s nothing to exploit. Organized and outgoing is a positive. So is reserved; the chicks we see at football games need to learn from you. It’s nice that you can both Netflix and travel at the same time (watch and learn, Rylee). Maybe our big community college will make you even smarter. For the love of whatever God you believe in, don’t rush.
In all honesty, it was very difficult to find people with different interests. Most of you are a blob of like-minded gals who Netflix, play sports, and think about rushing. It’s like you all went to the same high school whose purpose was to churn out sorority sisters. No matter. UNCC will do nothing to improve your character; on the contrary, you’ll probably leave here with a few bails. Stay safe, kids. Welcome home.