Local dad, Patrick Russell has confirmed to sources that his son, Ian, will indeed be graduating with a shitload of honors cords and stoles.
“My son’s been showing me around campus all day, and let me sit in on classes with him,” said Russell. “Needless to say, I see that he’s really earned his way to the top.”
Russell was reported to be withdrawing a questionable amount of cash from the student union ATMs late last night, as his son stood by, grinning smugly.
His son, senior Ian Russell, a soon-to-be May 2017 graduate majoring in undeclared, managed to make it through 5 years at UNCC without joining a single club, academic society, recreational sports team, or Christian organization. More impressively, he did not manage to garner the attention of a single faculty member within any discipline, leading to the shocking realization that he wouldn’t be receiving even one cord for honors or achievements in his undergraduate career.
However, his luck took a turn at the Commencement Fair a few weeks ago when he went to pick up his graduation robe. Informed that he’d earned the recognition of Cum Laude (a GPA of 3.5-3.7) and that he would receive a cord at the price of $16, Ian managed to call his father and only chuckle once at saying “cum” in this context.
“When I found out he earned a 3.5 GPA last semester, I didn’t know what to think,” said Russell, fondly roughly smacking his hand against his son’s back. “Ian’s a smart young man. I told him to go ahead and buy the $30 generic stole on my card; he’s earned it. Anything for my boy on his big day.”
Realizing that the dozens of letters they received in the mail about honors societies were clearly legit, Russell and his wife took it upon themselves to go ahead and send in any fees needed to confirm Ian’s various memberships and nominations around the nation.
From HonorsSociety.Org to the National Honors Society, Ian’s commencement regalia is already stacking up against other students on campus without having to attend a single initiation or meeting.
“A one time fee of $95 to be a lifelong member of an organization is priceless,” Russell said. “We can print as many copies off of the certificate at home as we want. It’s the real deal.”
Ian claimed he never received any campus organization emails from university-endorsed societies. “Yeah, my GPA must’ve been way too high for any of the honors societies on campus.”
Already updating his son’s resume for the post-graduation job search, Russell’s feeling pretty confident that his son will not have a problem landing a position in the career of his dreams.
“These honors societies are really going to give him the edge he needs,” Russell gushed. “Wait until employers see his grad photos on social media. They’re going to be impressed.”
The last the father-son duo were seen earlier in the day heading towards the Class Ring stand in the bookstore, Patrick already pulling out his wallet, tears pooling in his eyes as he murmured, “That’s my boy.”
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