The Campus Connector: better than the city bus, but worse than just about everything else in the world. Public transportation is a nightmare no matter which way you look at it, but the more students that are scrambling to catch the bus at the same time as you, the worse your day will probably be. We investigated the ride to and from St. Paul campus since it’s the longest and the likeliest place for Satan to be lurking. Can our dear campus connector send us straight to the devil himself?
Getting On The Bus:
The bus stop at Coffman is innocuous and ordinary enough, sure. There are the regular hellish instances of not getting a window seat or the bus being standing room only, but these are minor inconveniences compared to once to come.
2 Minutes In:
The first circle of hell hits you on Washington Avenue, and it’s not pretty. The ghosts of students’ past lurk in stadium village, waiting for a graduation date that will never come. Someday, you might join them in their endless afterlife quest to finally get a degree.
5 Minutes In:
The second circle of hell is the circle of lust, where the Campus Connector is sure to take you through a ghostly frat house where everyone is pairing off and hooking up around you. This is the part where some poor soul will launch himself off of the bus in an attempt to get some action, but don’t let that deter your path to St. Paul.
8 Minutes In:
The circle of gluttony is next, where the Connector is certain to take you to another area of the ghostly frat house where you can watch a ghost at a kegstand for all eternity.
10 Minutes In:
The next circle of hell on your trip is the circle of greed, where the ghosts of former university presidents and officials endlessly debate just how much more money to charge you each semester. Be especially wary here.
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13 Minutes In:
The fifth circle of hell is populated by anger, where you can find all of the ghosts of professors’ past despairing at you for never getting your work in on time. Though you might not be too worried about ending up here yourself, you certainly think your calculus professor is going to be spending eternity here.
15 Minutes In:
You’ll make a nice, long stop at the sixth circle of hell. The circle of endlessly waiting for a bus that isn’t coming, a feeling we’re all a little too familiar with. No ghosts around you will be able to see the bus, only mourn tragically at their ghostly bus stop.
20 Minutes In:
The seventh circle is the most violent, so all of the student-athletes whose rage never got truly let out on the field in life are living here. If you’re an athlete, you might fit right in, but the rest of us need to sidestep this circle like it’s the RecWell weight room and get out as fast as we can.
22 Minutes In:
The eighth circle of hell is for the plagiarizers out there (you know who you are). When you’re banished here by an angry professor, you’ll never make it back to the land of the living (according to their syllabi, at least).
24 Minutes In:
The worst circle of all, the ninth circle is where the souls in their week before graduating college are endlessly trapped, a never-ending anxiety for final exams, papers, and life after college. If you’re not careful, this is the likeliest place where the Campus Connector will eject you into hell.
25 Minutes In:
Twenty-five minutes later, you’ll arrive in St. Paul, Minnesota, on an ordinary sunny day, and no proof of what you just witnessed. But then again, a twenty-five minute trip on the Campus Connector might as well be hell itself, since public transportation is its own nightmare.
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