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UT Tops Nation in Killing Students’ Will to Live

This week, UT managed to secure a coveted title amongst public universities by becoming #1 in killing its students’ will to live.

Having held the #2 position for 5 years, UT has finally managed to overtake its West coast rival, UCLA, just in time for students to suffer even more through midterms.

“It’s always been a goal of ours to really suck the drive and optimism from our students,” says UT vice president, Janice Laurel. “We start early by requiring freshmen to take courses that having nothing to do with their major, but are equally as stressful. Giving them a heavy dose of tedious, irrelevant assignments really helps in crushing that naïve  feeling of hope and positivity that has no place on the Forty Acres.”

Janice hopes that this new ranking will serve as a final blow to students who hope to graduate with decent GPAs.

“It’s great timing. I tell all of my students on the first day that nobody has ever made an ‘A’ in the course and hopefully this ranking will discourage any students still hoping to change that,” UT biology professor Charles McTemple says as he hands out a required test review that has nothing to do with the test.

Students at the university are equally as amazed by the news of the ranking. “I knew that attending this university would be difficult, but I’m glad to see that even though I’m suffering, at least I’m suffering the most,” says UT freshman, Jerry Kindle. “It makes all of my caffeine-induced breakdowns at the PCL worth it.”

Journalism major, Sarah Jenkins, takes this news as the final blow to her goal of graduating with a bright outlook on her future. “I’m not surprised,” says the college junior as she types up an essay with zero passion and a dead look in her eyes. “I really tried to give it my all but, what’s the point? I don’t even have a passion for journalism anymore but I’m already 3 years in so it’s too late to quit now.”

President Fenves has yet to respond to the news, though sources say he’s already moved onto his next goal of ensuring that UT students will never pay off their student loans. 

 

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