4 Things VCU Tour Guides Don’t Show Parents

author-pic at VCU  

Recently, the campus of VCU has been flooded by people current VCU students like to colloquially call overeager, annoying little twerps known as, but our better known by their more politically correct moniker as “incoming freshman.” These tours are designed to show the best of campus to prospective VCU parents, but often neglect the messy and surreal realities that encompass a stay at VCU. The Black Sheep have decided to *tell it like it is* and spill the beans on what they don’t show parents on a tour of VCU.

4). The wild drinking:
Students at VCU drink in proportion to the amount of alcohol any college student on planet earth drinks. What’s really troubling about this is that VCU students love to ostentatiously brag about drinking and legitimately liking bitter IPA craft beers. Most parents are not aware that they’re precious bundles of joy have such ass taste in beers, and guzzle down such nasty shit. The state of Texas recently announced that they are planning on injecting the veins of prisoners being executed with IPA craft beers. Parents at VCU will not be shown students passed out drunk in the streets for the shame of getting lit off IPA’s will surely kill them.

3). The homeless people that once lived in Monroe Park:
This is because VCU had the homeless, Shaka Smart, and Will Wade deported to a fictional island along the Ivory Coast of Western Africa. On this Island, Wade and Smart coach the homeless people to one day become NBA superstars while the homeless people teach both Wade and Smart lessons in loyalty and living off the land. This will all be broadcast as a televised reality show on ESPN, so the guilt responsible parents might have at seeing homeless people all around campus should be absolved.

2.) The frat boys chugging their own blood:
VCU has a relatively small, albeit formidable, Greek culture on campus. With this culture, every so often you’ll see two 19 year old guys punching each other in the face, and then drinking the blood that spills out of their noses. It’s just one of those weird things that happens on campus. Don’t think about it too much. We just included it here because, for some reason, some of the horny housewives that tour VCU with their kids get turned on by this.

1.) An art student with talking about their degrees for more than 10 seconds:
Because honestly no one should have to see, smell, or hear that shit. Much less parents who spending bread on their kids at VCU.

VCU, while home to over 30,000 students, is a tight knit conclave of surprises-—oh, damn, a guy in a tutu is dancing in The Compass. Can’t finish writing this article. Gotta bounce!