The biggest fear of any college kid in the south is change, and there’s the crippling fear that the campus you know and love has become a completely different entity during fall break at VCU. Well, all your fears have come true, but don’t worry—here’s a handy little list to help you know all of what has changed over fall break:
5.) The Cabell Library has disappeared:
What was meant to be a harmless magic trick by student Russ Goodmagician, turned into tragedy as he made the Cabell Library completely disappear. Though spectators were initially in awe at Goodmagician’s talent with the wand and the cape, they are now frustrated that their precious and ludicrously expensive library is gone. Goodmagician was apprehended by law enforcements because of the trick, and thank God—that’s one less magician on the streets.
4.) President Rao finally came out as the talking robot everyone knew he was:
All your greatest suspicions about the notable tin man have come true. What covered headlines across the school this fall break, more so than the disappearance of the library, was the coming out of President Rao. Rao finally undid the zip in the back of his body to reveal that he actually is a walking and talking robot! Now all those stiff movements make sense! When the press asked what he, as a robot, ran on, he didn’t mention any fuel. “Money,” Rao responded. “And lot’s of it!”
3.) VCU went bankrupt and President Rao stopped working:
As soon as the President was done with his speech, he recieved pressing news that the school had gone bankrupt. This caused Rao to short circuit and ultimately stop working due to a lack of funds coming in. The school is now in the process of looking for a new President, and there are no qualifications that you need to obtain before applying because, keep in mind that before you they literally hired a robot.
2.) Skateboarders have officially taken over the Compass:
It had been looming over us all this entire time, but now the skateboarders have made it official. The compass is now theirs. What was a bloody battle between the boarders and the bikers on Saturday night ended in a victory for the Thrasher branded skate-rats of VCU. So if you’re ever trying to go to the disappeared library, maybe take another route. That is, unless you’re ready to bust some sick ollie’s or something!
1.) Former President Rao staged a coup d’etat to regain control of the school:
Rao, now living his life in the public as a cyborg, realized how much he missed his old life as supreme ruler of VCU and staged a coup with fellow robots across campus, most notably the digital cash registers through campus dining halls. Details are still unfolding…
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