If you’re a student at VCU and have somehow managed to avoid Cabell Library, congratulations — you probably dropped out two years ago. To VCU students, it is Mecca, and God is a research paper due on Blackboard 20 minutes ago. Here at The Black Sheep, we decided to provide you guys with an in-depth look at our four-story library, which has been aptly named after an old-timey racist. Cute, right?
First floor — better known by its acronym, “Starbucks”:
Cabell Library’s first floor consists of helpful Information Associates who provide students with invaluable services checking out books, laptops, DVDs, iPads, and reviews of the the best bathrooms in the library to do blow in. The first floor contains an array of computers, group study rooms, and bookshelves that ought to make your library experience one to blend in with the rest. Oh, and it also contains one of the biggest freaking Starbucks in America. They should probably just rename the library after the Starbucks. Or tear down the library and just keep the Starbucks. Or, hear us out: fourth-floor Starbucks. YES.
Second floor — the club:
The second floor of Cabell Library is where all of the juiciest of VCU’s insider students come to study. If you’re not studying on the second floor, then you should probably go and jump off of the third floor terrace. Group study is extremely common on the second floor, so it tends to make the actual task somewhat pleasurable for hardworking VCU students. Seriously, VCU students are known to spend their Friday nights drunk on the second floor, but you probably already knew that, right?
Third floor — the quiet space:
This floor is designed for students who need minimal noise, so their little bitch ass ears won’t get distracted cause they’re about to have an epiphany in regards to the Moby Dick nonsense they’re reading. There’s also a new cute little terrace they just built that was specifically designed to allow your ex-girlfriend to throw searing hot coffee on you as you stand three stories below. Oh, and on the third floor, you’ll have to politely ignore all the comic book geeks who self-pleasure themselves in the corner to Wonder Woman comics. Territorial hazard.
Fourth floor — if the third floor had sex with itself somehow, the inbred fourth floor would be the result:
The fourth floor is quiet. Really quiet. It’s where one can comfortably go to die if need be. If you so much as talk, chew loudly, breath loudly, fart, sneeze, or have lungs, you will probably be kicked off of the fourth floor for making noise. The fourth floor of Cabell is where dreams go to die. Remember that when you get kicked out of the fourth floor.
You’ll probably be spending a lot of time at Cabell over the next few weeks, so now you know which floors to avoid and which to get comfortable in…
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