How to Repurpose The Tears Shed from Being a VCU Student
Crying. You do so much of it. (Seriously, Cindy, you know you don’t have to cry when Ash Ketchum “dies” in that Pokemon movie. You know he doesn’t actually die. Yet here you are.) Chances are, you didn’t used to cry this much before going to VCU. If you did, there’s a chance you are a baby who’s switched brains with an adult, or even more horrifying, an adult who’s switched brains with a baby. You know, like, you’ve got a job and kids and then the next thing you know you wake up and none of your clothes fit and you’re too small to carry your briefcase because you’re a literal baby? Anyway, you’ve probably been wasting your tears this entire semester. You let them fall on the ground, into tissues, and onto countless chicken strips. Not anymore though, because there are a bunch of ways you can make being a little bitch work for you!
You’re way too poor to buy salt and everyone knows it. You know what you’re not too poor for? Tears. Time is money, and while you could keep hoarding salt from the IHOP express like you’ve been doing, that takes time out of your day, and could cause you to reschedule your sob fest when you could just be home-growing salt. Add a little somethin’ special to that plain white rice you just sort of have in your room despite having no memory of ever purchasing it.
6.) Performance Art:
This one should be a fairly obvious one. You’ve been being dramatic about everything that’s ever happened to you since the day you were born, and suddenly you don’t wanna get paid to cry? Sit in front of Cabell and cry your itty bitty heart out! Listen to a girl in H&M denim overalls talk to her friend about how “provocative this piece is” while her friend in a bucket hat chain smokes. Profit.
Do what wise philosopher JT said to for him. Cry a river. Why walk when you can float to class every morning in style and misery. Fashionably late is out. Fashionable sad is in.
4.) Dive Face First into Your 80’s Aesthetic:
Make use of crying yourself to sleep every night with a DIY Tear waterbed. Uncomfortably let your friends know you’re serious about this and impress them with all your jiggly sad furniture.
3.) Car Wash:
Cry on a windshield or two. Do your part in getting rid of some of the most classic RVA Crust, make some extra cash, all without disrupting your regularly scheduled bout of depression.
2.) Recreate a Relaxing Day at the Beach:
You’ve heard of ocean spray, right? Cry into a spray bottle, borrow that little fan your roommate has and spray some in there every time you need a vacation. (You’re gonna need one a lot.)
1.) Get What You Want:
If you have to go to Shafer one more time after a twenty minute discussion over what to eat for dinner you’re going to lose every last one of your marbles. Next time someone asks “so where to?” suggest where you want to eat and then immediately think about your student loans again. Let the floodgates open. Maybe get one of your friends to carry your soggy body to the restaurant.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.