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Op-Ed: I Wish School Wasn’t Cancelled So I Could Watch You All Eat Shit

Dearest Rams, 

It’s Michael Rao, your president and fearless leader.  

You might’ve just woken to news that your campus is covered in a fresh dust of snow and school is cancelled. It’s true; as I sit here, counting my year-end bonus by the roaring fireplace in my office, snow is indeed falling from the sky. There is no class today. 

Before you scream and get on your knees to thank your beautiful president, let me be clear: if it were entirely up to me, I’d be making you walk in the fucking snow and cherish in the fact that most of you would be misrable. It would warm whatever organ beats in my chest knowing you all would be slipping and eating shit on East Leigh Street. 

The reason for today’s snow day is easily explainable. After I called an early morning emergency tuition-hike meeting with fellow overlords here at VCU, the snow began to fall and quickly covered Richmond. Normally, I would’ve made the decision of whether or not to have class (trust me, there would’ve been class), but since tuition hike meeting was held behind closed doors with no interruptions allowed, that decision fell on my secretary. 

Becky, this is an official warning to clear your goddamn desk and leave the city before 3 p.m. Don’t show your face in the state of Virginia again. 

Perhaps it’s the serenity that snow brings that gives me the ultimate clarity to say this now: go fuck yourself, Rams. I wish I could’ve seen you all eat shit on the way to class today because I know you all talk shit about me when I’m not around, in classes early in the morning and in dorms late at night.

I know the things you say: Rao is such a piece of shit, always raising our tuition; or Michael Rao? More like President Fuckwad McFuckerson, I hate him so muchor, perhaps the worst of them all: Michael Rao is not a man to be trusted.

And that’s fine—my soul is as black as the wood that burns in front of me. I know this. But remember that whenever snow falls in Richmond, Michael Rao sits at the right hand of God and will make you go to class. So, before you wish that we get more snow, be careful what you wish for. 

Whether today’s snow, tomorrow’s snow, or next year’s snow is just a dusting or goes well past your kneecaps, you will walk to class. 

School is always in session, motherfuckers. 

Michael Rao
President of Virginia Commonwealth University

 

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