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Monday Night Raw To Host Presidential Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match

 

Last week, the Commission on Presidential Debates and University of Nevada, Las Vegas officials met to change the rules of the final presidential debate on October 19.  Instead of having the candidates spar whilst answering questions in a seated format, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will be duking it out in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs main event hosted by a special Wednesday presentation of Monday Night Raw.  

The changes come in response to the constantly evolving atmosphere concerning the 2016 election. After hearing Trump claim Clinton “would be in jail” if he were to be elected president and watching him stalk eerily behind her each time she spoke, WWE CEO Vince McMahon conceived the idea for a no-rules contest for the next debate.

“Look, watching Trump stalk his prey and explicitly say he would put her behind bars made me realize that there’s no chance in hell these two campaigns fail to get physical within the next month,” said McMahon. “Why not at least make it organized and give the American people what’s really important this election: some entertainment! This is Vegas, not Hofstra.”

The match will take place in the Thomas and Mack Center at UNLV as originally planned,  but with major changes to the layout. Candidates will be placed in a wrestling ring littered with tables, ladders, and chairs able to use these items on their opponent at his or her discretion. The catch is that they will be wearing microphones, and must shriek a reason for each blow.

“If Trump wants to bash Hillary about her emails, he can literally do that with a metal folding chair,” explained McMahon. “All he has to do is yell it into the microphone before the chair comes in contact with her pant suit.”

Students of UNLV in the audience are being encouraged to get in on the action, as well. The debates webpage has a notice indicating that it is acceptable to bring barrels of tomatoes or eggs to heave at opponents in response to their lying hollers  of implied truth at one another.

Mia Angel, a UNLV sophomore, is excited to try out the new format. “These two candidates are both just awful. It’s like having to choose between a sandwich with white fish, cream cheese, and capers or a sandwich with just baloney on whole grain bread. They both sound like something my grandfather would eat,” she said. “Finally, there’s a debate format, where viewers have a chance to voice their distaste using something other than a question that is never going to be answered anyway.”

In addition to the idiotic amusement provided by Secretary Clinton and Mr. Trump, Tim Kaine and Mike Pence will star in the pre-main event Slap Fight where each candidate will take turns slapping each other across the face until the other pleads “Uncle.”

In what’s shaping up to be the most interesting night of the year, this will be the last chance for candidates to show the American people how screwed we really are.

Last week, the Commission on Presidential Debates and University of Nevada, Las Vegas officials met to change the rules of the final presidential debate on October 19. Instead of having the candidates spar whilst answering questions in a seated format, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will be duking it out in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs main event hosted by a special Wednesday presentation of Monday Night Raw.

The changes come in response to the constantly evolving atmosphere concerning the 2016 election. After hearing Trump claim Clinton “would be in jail” if he were to be elected president and watching him stalk eerily behind her each time she spoke, WWE CEO Vince McMahon conceived the idea for a no-rules contest for the next debate.

“Look, watching Trump stalk his prey and explicitly say he would put her behind bars made me realize that there’s no chance in hell these two campaigns fail to get physical within the next month,” said McMahon. “Why not at least make it organized and give the American people what’s really important this election: some entertainment! This is Vegas, not Hofstra.”

The match will take place in the Thomas and Mack Center at UNLV as originally planned, but with major changes to the layout. Candidates will be placed in a wrestling ring littered with tables, ladders, and chairs able to use these items on their opponent at his or her discretion. The catch is that they will be wearing microphones, and must shriek a reason for each blow.

“If Trump wants to bash Hillary about her emails, he can literally do that with a metal folding chair,” explained McMahon. “All he has to do is yell it into the microphone before the chair comes in contact with her pant suit.”

Students of UNLV in the audience are being encouraged to get in on the action, as well. The debates webpage has a notice indicating that it is acceptable to bring barrels of tomatoes or eggs to heave at opponents in response to their lying hollers of implied truth at one another.

Mia Angel, a UNLV sophomore, is excited to try out the new format. “These two candidates are both just awful. It’s like having to choose between a sandwich with white fish, cream cheese, and capers or a sandwich with just baloney on whole grain bread. They both sound like something my grandfather would eat,” she said. “Finally, there’s a debate format, where viewers have a chance to voice their distaste using something other than a question that is never going to be answered anyway.”

In addition to the idiotic amusement provided by Secretary Clinton and Mr. Trump, Tim Kaine and Mike Pence will star in the pre-main event Slap Fight where each candidate will take turns slapping each other across the face until the other pleads “Uncle.”
In what’s shaping up to be the most interesting night of the year, this will be the last chance for candidates to show the American people how screwed we really are.

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