Maymont is no longer the go-to spot for if you want to go see animals in Richmond, at least not while Shafer Dining Hall is still standing. The wide range of individuals that inhabit VCU, more specifically Shafer, is wilder than anything Bear Grylls has ever experienced, and while you’ll see some normal people, you’ll certainly see these five types of people when eating at Shafer.
5.) The Bull Horn:
No, you’re not watching Harry Potter or Halloweentown–you’re just hearing the girls from five tables down making more noise than VCU’s siren tests. They say that laughter is the best medicine, but there’s no amount of medicine that can cure the headache given to you by this bull horn of a laugh. Walking to class, you hear nothing but construction noises, firetrucks, ambulances, and the ghosts of the victims of Cary St. sidewalks, hoping that at least while you’re in Shafer you could get some peace. It’s nothing that a pair of headphones and some God’s Plan can’t fix, but at the same time, if headphones are put in, the Witch Cackler wins…
4.) The Lone Wolf:
This individual enjoys being more solo than a red cup. This person walks into Shafer, hoping not to have to talk to anyone; just get in, eat some pizza and cereal, grab some forks, spoons, bananas, perhaps a few plates, stuff them into his backpack, and leave without a trace.
3.) Man vs. Food:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 plates killed. This individual doesn’t care about cholesterol and there’s no chance he even considers gluten. This guy acts like he won’t see another meal for years to come, as if Christian’s Pizza all of a sudden closes at 10 p.m. or he’s too good for a 7/11 taquito. Take a minute to breathe, check Instagram, reserve a room in Cabell, re-evaluate your life…
2.) The Struggler:
This person essentially wasted a swipe, because after one bite of his chicken parm, his head is in his lap and his stomach is twisting and turning like a Gold Rush Dancers’ halftime show. Watch out!
1.) The Mooch:
This guy is the GOAT when it comes to taking advantage of the kindness of others. Not only was he just swiped into Shafer, but he will do on in his power to get an extra swipe for that Blazing California roll he loves more than his girlfriend at WVU. He’s notorious for taking more swipes from girls than a credit card reader and getting VCU ID’s left and right, trading them around like Pokémon cards. When it comes down to the end of the semester and everyone is essentially out of swipes, this individual will not last in the wild because he was tamed by the generosity of the freshman girl.