VCU Launches “Make Them Stay” Campaign

author-pic at Virginia Commonwealth University  

VCU silently launched a campaign last year with the objective of causing students to stay in on campus housing and stay enrolled at the university longer. The Make Them Stay campaign has taken advantage of student’s greatest weakness to seduce students into continue living on campus and keep them enrolled at VCU longer: television.

VCU has signed contracts with the instant cable streaming website Philo, HBO Go and MAX Go. These three streaming services are available to all students living on campus and are meant to allure students stay in VCU housing.

While students are excited about these services they have had a detrimental impact on performance and attendance. When asked about the Make Them Stay campaign, the Campaign Director Jacob Walters denied accusations that the campaign was formed to bring in more money to the University.

“This campaign is meant to give students a chance to relax and relieve stress by watching T.V, we would never set our students up to fail,” said Walters.

However, interviews with students have revealed the true purpose of the campaign.

“I was going to move off campus until I realized I would also lose my HBO Go,” said sophomore Willis Nedflik.

Not only are these services keeping students in on campus housing they are also effecting their performance in class. Students are spending hours watching shows like, Scandal, Game of Thrones, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Empire instead of studying. These shows are so entertaining it is almost impossible for students to resist them. A study conducted by our Black Sheep Research Team found that when given the choice between studying for an exam and watching an award-winning show 9 out of 10 students will choose to watch the show.

“Entertainment yields greater instant satisfaction rates than studying does,” said Black Sheep Research Analyst, Amy Wool, “That is why this campaign has been so effective.”

As students watch more television their grades drop dramatically. Some students even fail classes because of how distracting these streaming services are. Those students failing classes will inevitably have to stay enrolled at VCU longer thus falling subject to the true purpose of the Make Them Stay Campaign.

In efforts to expand the campaigns efforts VCU Residential Life and Housing now offers Rokus for students to rent. Students with televisions can now rent a Roku and stream Philo or HBO Go right on to their televisions.

“Before I got my Roku I had to connect my laptop to my television but now my Roku is basically like a cable box that doesn’t tell the time” said junior Brittany Mayers.

VCU Residential Life and Housing released a statement explaining that they cannot be held responsible for the abuse of resources available to the students. The also did not comment on if this campaign has cause an increase in student seeking on campus housing.

If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: