Internship and job application season is in full swing, and consequently, so is the season of la büll-shítting. But why spend hours working on resumes and cover letters for a Goldman-Sachs position you’re never going to get, when instead you can just flaunt your actual college accomplishments and end up living in your mom’s basement eating Kroger brand Lucky Charms and yelling at old Boy Meets World reruns? Let that honesty flag fly, and show employers what your true talents are. Here are the ACTUAL things you can add to your resume after your four years at Tech.
5.) Center Street Guide:
All those Saturdays spent wandering from tailgate to tailgate have finally paid off! You know exactly where you, and in turn where your super trashed and lost friends are, just by looking at the puke covered grass and super offensive fratty bedsheet-posters.
4.) Never Arrested for Public Intoxication:
This specific accomplishment doesn’t mean all that much in Blacksburg, but in the real world being sloshed in public is kinda hard. So good for you for escaping the pigs!
3.) Has Cut Over 30 T-shirts:
You’re practically a fashion designer! You know exactly how to cut the mock choker so there’s just enough ~tasteful~ cleavage.
2.) Bachelor in Hokie Spirit
Your hours of painting delicate maroon VTs on your face and jumping for your life during Enter Sandman didn’t go to waste. In fact, you earned enough credits to get your Bachelor in Hokie Spirit, a degree that, just like any Bachelor of Arts, will get you absolutely nothing in life!
1.) Special Srat Skills:
All the things that make you the ultimate frat rat, a title that is near and dear to everyone’s heart, like knowing the words to decade old JoBro songs and being able to down a pissing hot can of America’s worst beer without dying on the spot. Go you!
Now that your resume is ready, go grab yourself a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys, put on those pajamas you haven’t washed since the Bush Administration, and drown out the crushing weight of unemployment with the soothing sounds of Mr. Feeny.
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