The anticipation for pools everywhere to open for the summer is all too real. This is especially the case for the bougie pools, like the one at The Retreat, that get students hyped about livin’ that fancy life while knowing deep down they’re still eating ramen noodles for dinner. But with everyone rushing to snag a spot on one of The Retreat’s orange poolside chairs, the place gets more crowded than a Destiny’s Child reunion concert, to the point where you’ll just wish you could have the pool all to yourself. Well, grab some paper because you’re gonna want to take notes on how to do just that:
5.) Rumor Mill:
Walk by a group of people sitting by the pool while loudly saying something ridiculous, along the lines of “Have you heard pool water attracts black widow spiders?” or “John Cena got in a minor car accident right outside of Christiansburg and if we hurry we can literally say we’ve seen him!” As word spreads, so does your chance of clearing the area.
4.) Flyers from Liars:
If you want to take rumors to a whole new level, use flyers. Stop by the pool earlier in the day and stick flyers everywhere talking about some awesome party that’s going to have a special appearance by the Horse on a Treadmill at an address that doesn’t even exist. Make sure the time of the party is during a period of time in which you want to go to the pool, so that it ensures you’ll have more time to yourself.
3.) Yield an Axe:
Not a literal axe, you weirdo. We’re talking Axe Body Spray. No other smell is guaranteed to make people want to vacate an area as soon as possible. Yeah, you’ll get dirty looks from people who will think you’re stuck in middle school and you can kiss your chances of flirting with any lifeguard goodbye, but think of the elbow room you’ll have!
2.) Music is Key:
Imagine the most annoying song you can think of. Now imagine someone playing it non-stop for hours. How long would you want to be around that person? Whether you decide to play the 13 Grammy Award nominated “Friday” by Rebecca Black or the classic Nyan Cat 24-hour loop video is up to you, but the point is to be as obnoxious as possible to get people to retreat from The Retreat.
1.) Power of Politics:
The last thing anyone wants is to discuss politics while they’re trying to enjoy a relaxing day at the pool, which is exactly why you should do it. Go around with a petition to change a made up law and pester people into signing it. If you shake a dinner bell or grab a megaphone to draw more attention to yourself, people will be more likely to leave than listen.
If you’re serious about The Retreat’s pool and would do almost anything to have a moment with it to yourself, you should listen to our words of advice. Are these methods selfish? Yes. Will you go to hell? It’s likely. But is it worth it? Absolutely.
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