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5 Ways A True Hokie Would Help President Sands Raise His Demon Army To Take Over Every Other College

Students at Virginia Tech are said to be some of the happiest students in America, and President Tim Sands wants to spread the happiness and prosperity across the nation. One-by-one, he plans to take over every college campus to share Hokie pride with his army of the undead. Here’s how you can help:

5.) Donate blood to the glory of Baphomet:
Virginia Tech has conveniently allowed the Lifeblood bus to come collect from the unsuspecting students every month. This arrangement cuts out the middleman, as the bus secretly has a pipeline straight to the containment unit behind a bookshelf in President Sands’ office. Engineers are especially encouraged to donate as often as they can since the blood of virgins is extremely potent.

4.) Search for the hidden relics under the Drillfield:
Grab your metal detectors like you’re a 67-year-old retired, white man at the beach, because this is one of the hardest parts! Under the Drillfield exists multiple coffers filled to the brim with gold and jewelry that will surely be integral in opening the portal and bringing the unworldly beasts into this dimension. Notable relics include the Gem of Amara, the Seed of Wonder, and the Orb of Thesulah. Name a more iconic trio.

3.) Pray to the Dark Lord for good fortune before your tests:
Every student has been there. It’s the night before your hardest final, and you’ve spent hours rewriting notes and studying notecards. However, you’re still not prepared and are starting to feel hopeless. The good news, though, is that there is hope. Seek solace in the Dark Lord. By simply praying to Him. He will grant you the wisdom and power of millions of millennia so that you can walk into that lecture hall with confidence and command dominance over your peers and professors.

2.) Sacrifice a goat at the Duck Pond at 3:07 a.m. every Thursday:
You’re probably thinking, “Isn’t the blood of the students enough?” You’d be correct in assuming so, but even demons have their guilty pleasures. If the blood of students is a fine wine, then the blood of a goat is a Four Loko: they’re disgusting, incredibly effective, and should be illegal.

1.) Learn the Sacred Incantation of Old Hokie:
Ever wonder why the orientation leaders try so hard to teach the freshman the Old Hokie? Few students remember it and even fewer still will chant it at games. Old Hokie is actually a sacred incantation praising the Sun God. “Solah Rex, Solah Ra” is calling out to Ra to bless Blacksburg and keep the constant clouds away long enough for President Sands to draw enough power and become Overlord Sands: Commander of The Undead.

Do your part to help bring the New World Order to fruition, and maybe your soul will be spared. Bless Overlord Sands and his army of the living dead.


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