6 Non-Academic Reasons You Won’t Graduate

author-pic at Virginia Tech  

The class of 2017’s time at Tech is almost coming to close…or is it? Be careful, always pay your debts, and complete dat list because just when you thought you could taste the student debt and post college life crisis, it can be stolen away from you in an instant. Don’t trade the maroon and orange (or tell people you actually hate the colors together) just yet because you could be here longer than ya think because of these reasons:

6.) You Got Eternally Lost in Newman:
The place is five whole floors of racks on racks on racks (obviously). You become lost and don’t even realize it until you walk past the Corps Museum for the third time. It doesn’t help that two of the floors are silent and asking for help is actually social suicide. That being said, if you don’t walk across the stage at graduation, we’ll know where to look first.

5.) You Failed to Complete the Hokie Bucket List:
Graduating just isn’t an option if you haven’t: drunkenly jumped to “Enter Sandman” and instantly regretted that tailgating food; hiked the Cascasdes- you don’t go to Tech unless that’s apart of your Snap story at least once; made a fool of yourself singing at TOTS Tuesday night karaoke; had at least 3+ servings at Homeplace, or been personally victimized by the Blacksburg wind.  You just can’t graduate until they’re checked off…it’s like unhokie.

4.) You Got Caught Trespassing in the Steam Tunnels:
The steam tunnels exist and the temptation to trespass is oh so real. You really want to know if it the chamber of secrets and prove Tech is actually Hogwarts. Sadly, the only thing you’ll end up getting out of it is a nasty disorderly conduct for trespassing and/or dying—both tend to keep ya from graduating, ya know.

3.) You Got Stuck on the Drillfield Talking to Organizations:
You decided to walk across the Drillfield on a spring filled day and that’s the last that anyone saw of you. Rumor has it that you stopped for a free lip balm from the SGA and now they’re holding you captive and telling you about the changes they plan to implement on campus in the upcoming year.

2.) Eduroam Ate Your Soul:
You’re still questioning why Virginia Tech decided to change up the Wi-Fi. Day after day you turn your Wi-Fi on…then off…and on again until it finally decides to pick up signal at this wonderful technical school. But it doesn’t and after hopelessly trying to connect, you finally shrivel up into nothingness. No one can find you for graduation. We’ll let mom and dad know.

1.) You Never Paid a Single Parking Ticket:
Ah, the granddaddy of them all. That shit added up and now you’re stuck here like a Lanister paying off your debts. One must understand that VT Parking Services has no mercy and gains their power by watching students delicately pick the orange tickets off of their windshields and erupting into tears. And that they also gain their power by laughing at students who try to appeal their evil. Just accept it and work it off. You can always graduate next semester—if you can manage not getting another ticket.

Maybe none of these will happen and you’ll graduate on time, or maybe they will. Regardless, there are worse things than not graduating—like being an adult. In the real world. Now that shit is scary. We recommend hiding in Newman for another four years.