6 Things Freshmen Will Never Know About Virginia Tech
As the little baby Hokie chicks start to hatch around campus, memories of our own baby Hokie experiences seem to take over our minds. The first pilgrimage to TOTS. Throwing up in Slusher for the first time. The first ever game day that you actually don’t remember at all. But just as the new Hokies are young and fresh, you’re old and crusty as hell, and some of the things you love most about Virginia Tech are gone, forever, lost in the cemetery of Forgotten Fun. Here’s a list of all the things the Class of 2021 will never know.
6.) Uber-less Parties:
Remember like 3 years ago when Uber didn’t exist, and you had to walk through 7 feet of snow just to get wasted at Josh’s shitty, vomit-stained apartment? The freshman now will NEVER understand our struggle. Uber, Lyft, your mom’s best friends locally operated and not at all sketchy car service– they’re all App-friendly and ready to carry underage girls to overpopulated frat parties, with just the swipe of a finger.
Contrary to everything a Stark has ever told you, Winter is not coming. With the Earth’s temperature constantly on the rise, and the heat of the Chicken Parm kitchen warming the entirety of Blacksburg, Winters at Tech are a thing of the past. Freshman will never know the agonizing yet rewarding experience of trekking across the Drillfield with 10 pounds of jacket on, but at least they’ll be able to wear their Hawaiian shirts year round.
4.) Mike’s Grill:
Mike’s Grill, may he rest in peace. The new hokies will never know the delicious food and drinks served at Mike’s Grill. Actually, now that we think about it, did we ever know the delicious food and drinks of Mike’s Grill? Did Mike’s Grill ever ACTUALLY exist? Raise your hand if you’ve ever been inside Mike’s Grill. No one? Cool. Good riddance, Mike.
3.) 3rd Quarter Hokie Pokie:
How the FUCK are we supposed to know what it’s all about if we don’t have the reminder during 3rd quarter stretches? WHEN do I put my left arm in now? WHEN do I take it out? Am I to just do the Hokie Pokie whenever? Freshman will never know how to shake it all about, the pour souls.
2.) A Bottomless TOTS:
Back in my day, we had to walk UP the stairs to get white girl wasted. The bottom of TOTS was just an empty, accident-prone, ghost populated, house of nothing. Now, you can get drunk with your mozzarella sticks with little to no cardio beforehand. The class of 2021 will never know our pain.
1.) The Beams:
Freshman will NEVER know how to float like a Cadillac and sting like a Beamer. This beautiful prince has left us forever, and while Fuente is bringing the fire, our hearts will always have a Frank-sized hole in them. RIP (Retire in Peace), Frank!